


In love may you find me.

by Faustkomskaikru



Series: Fix-it [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Also stray bullets don't exist in this story., Clexa, Drama, F/F, None of them die, Soulmates, and also they write letters, because who doesn't want to see that, canon AU, so yeah., still it's going to be rough, there's a bit of angst, we're safe, yes i said it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:46:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6211324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faustkomskaikru/pseuds/Faustkomskaikru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" May we meet again ? ''</p><p>The question mark hangs in the air. It's there, you're sure she's asking you. Seeking for reassurance. Seeking for confirmation that this isn't farewell. Maybe this is just goodbye. She sounds so broken and open. You know she's pleading you in her own way, and you can't take it. It's in her eyes, this look of pure and unadulterated love. It's undying, unwavering. It matches your own. If love is weakness, you're the weakest of them all. </p><p>3x07, but this time, it doesn't end in tragedy. This time, they're happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodnight, Travel Well

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened. This is my way of coping with the episode that shan't be named. It picks up at the beginning of the goodbye scene, so basically explores what I think happened in between aka sweet sexy times and also fixes the shit that happens at the end because that wasn't acceptable in any way. I say it again, English is not my native language, I am and speak French, so I am sorry if there's mistake, or things that are non-understandable. Please let me know! I accept any kind of criticism, but keep in my that I write for fun. Well in that case that was more like a remedy but you got me. A lot of the work consist in exploring how the scene went down so there's really nothing new besides the ending. Hope you like it people, and it eases your mind about what happened.

You know Octavia is right. You accept it with each step that you take. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doen't feel any more right that you have to say goodbye. But your people need you. They can't seem to make any right decisions without you, and the guilt of having walked away is haunting you. You have to make it right again.

Your heart is already heavy but it's only going to get harder. You love it here. Polis is welcoming, full of life. You feel more at home than Arkadia. As if you've ever felt home there. But you know a great part of this has to do with Lexa. She gives you a sense of belonging. You're amazed by how much safety she has given you over the course of the last weeks. You have accepted all that has happened in the past. You're a lot alike. That's what makes this connection much more special. It's the understanding, the sense that someone share your burden. The responsabilities, the losses. The heavy weight that crushes your shoulders when you feel entitled to the fate of your people.

But it's got to be done. It's painful, but necessary. You knock gently on her door but enter right away. It's how easy your relationship has become. How comfortable. You look around, search for her. You can't see her at first and panick strikes in. What if you can't say goodbye ? Times are so uncertain you don't think you can go without seeing her one last time.

She's here though, ten feets away from you. You stop immediately. Everything in your body stops. Your legs, your heart, your lungs, your brain. The sight that graces your eyes is ethereal. It's beyond irrational, because how can this be the same commander that put a kill order on your people ? How is this the fierce Heda of the 12 clan ?

Her braids are gone, her hair falling over one shoulder. No war paint. No attire. Just Lexa, and apart from the decoration on her forehead, there's no sign of the commander. The light of day is slowly casting on her face, as if it's afraid to touch her. Afraid of breaking this image of utter perfection.

You can't believe your eyes, it makes all this so much harder. She's looking at you, and she understands. She sees the heaviness behind your eyes, she knows what it means.

" When do you leave ? ''

'' Now. ''

You feel this pull towards her, you follow it. A few steps closer. She's so close now. Still you wish you could be closer, because in this moment, you realise. You're ready. You have been for a long a time if you're really honest with yourself. But you were scared, and hurt, and processing. You're none of these now. Now you know, which is utterly heartbeaking because now is when you have to leave.

'' I'm sorry.. ''

You say it but you're not sure who it's meant to. Yourself ? Her ? What does it mean ? Sorry I can't yet again give you what you want ? Sorry I leave you behind ?

'' Don't be. You have to go back, they're your people. ''

Her understanding is astonishing. Groundbreaking. You want to kiss her then. You don't.

'' That's why I- ''

Freeze. Your eyes find hers. Lips quiver and you think she's going to cry. Vulnerability makes her look beautiful, and strong. You're mezmerized. Is she going to say it ? Is she going to be weak or strong ?

'' That's why you're you. '' She says, voice trembling. She's holding back. For you, you know that. So you want to indulge her with some sense of reassurance. You want to promise her the world, yourself, but you know you can't. Not when this world is safe for nobody. And when anything could happen. The uncertainty dictates your words.

'' Maybe someday, you and I will owe nothing more to our people. ''

The tiny smile that graces her lips is nothing but sad.

" I hope so. "

But there isn't an ounce of hope in her voice. She sounds defeated, heartbroken. Still she puts on a brave face. Forever set on holding back. She extends her arm to you. This is it. When you grab it, there's electricity. It happens each time she touches you, however rare that is. You feel her strength has she holds thight. Tighter than necessary. But it's okay because you want to feel her touch all the way through your bones.

" May we meet again ? ''

The question mark hangs in the air. It's there, you're sure she's asking you. Seeking for reassurance. Seeking for confirmation that this isn't farewell. Maybe this is just goodbye. She sounds so broken and open. You know she's pleading you in her own way, and you can't take it. It's in her eyes, this look of pure and unadulterated love. It's undying, unwavering. It matches your own. If love is weakness, you're the weakest of them all.

Nothing exists anymore but the look she gives you and your need to never let go of her arm. You don't. You can't. It's beyond your power and you don't fight it. You let yourself be consumed by this want. There's nothing to say anymore. You can't say anything to prove to her. So you let yourself be brave. In one step, one hand around her neck, lips collide gently but firmly. You paint on her lips all the words you can't say.

There are prayers of hope, of want, of relief. Of love. Finally, you give in to your feelings. She gives in to hers. You make it intense and meaningful for this is the only way to show her. You make it lingering and soft for this is probably the last time before a while.

Or so you thought. Because when you pull back, when you look into her eyes, there's an unshed tear slipping. Rolling. You swear you hear it crash on to the floor. Its force resonates all through to your heart. There she is. Heda, commander of the 12 clans, allmighty warrior, that even death can't scare, crying into your kiss. Soul bare and exposed.

You give up any kind of fight you have left and your love pours out of your heart in torrents. There's an ocean of devotion inside of you. You kiss her again, more forcefully. More beautifully. There's no stopping you now. You're bound to this girl, and she deserves to see the inside of your soul reflects on her own. You pull her closer, against you, you want to feel her body agaisnt yours. It feels amazing. Liberating.

It's not enough though. Reaching behind her neck you pull the ties of her top loose. Grab them, pull them down her arms. The feeling of her back in entrancing. Her breath on your lips pulls at your heart. There's more intimacy in this kiss than any other moments of your life. She gives as much as you. You can feel her letting go, embracing this moment like it was her last. Like she couldn't believe.

You want to make her believe it. You back her up to the bed and she sits down. Looks up into your eyes and what you see shatters you life into a million pieces. No one ever looked at you the way she does. Shining with fresh tears, her eyes are open wide, her mouth agape, breathing hard. Admiration, loyalty. She looks up like one would look at the bright light of the sun, but never afraid of it's light burning her eyes. She's not blinded by your beauty, she's mezmerized by it. Unbelieving. Hopeful. Pleading. Loving. Ther's no going back from this. She has consumed your entire being in one look. It sets your body aflame. You need her.

She grabs your neck and pulls you on top of her. She's desperate, you're needy. You're kissing her again, open-mouthed, tongue battling for dominance but neither wanting to win. You're equals. It's beautiful and you moan into her mouth. You're straddling her, already grinding into her, like you can't escape it. You need more of her, you need to love her like there's no tomorrow. Your hands are at her hips and already pulling at her top. She sits up and help you discard it. Yours follow quickly after. You have no time to be overly gentle even if you're soft and caring. You're impatient. You've both been waiting long enough.

The kissing doesn't stop. It only intensify. Hands are roaming in places so rarely touched before. Across a collarbone, the muscles of a back, between ribs, as if counting them down one by one. The curve of a waist, descending on hips. You drink her in, grind down on her, take off your bra and watch her shed another tear of devotion. When she touches them, look at them, you arch, sigh, moan. It's all you can do not to come on the spot. Because nothing has ever felt so right. You wonder what it's going to be like when she touches you where you want and it makes you squirm. You don't want that to happen too fast because first you want to love on her.

You push her back against the bed, after taking off her bra. The first thing you do is worship her. Kiss every inch of skin without lingering because you're so thirsty for all of her, it aches. Her breasts are soft and they match your hand. Everything about her body seems to have been made for you. How such a creature exists in the same universe as you is a mystery. How she ended up in your life and in your bed are fucking miracles. She's a goddess. And you can't wait to see more. So you kneel before her. The irony doesn't escape you when you throw her a look full of meanings. The button of her jeans are unfastened, shoes are pulled off. Material is slid against soft skin and before you know it, she is almost bare. Body and soul this time. And your heart throb.

There are other places that are throbbing though and you intent on doing something about that. Kneeling again before her, you gently ( but not too much ) push her legs apart and start kissing her thighs.

" Klark.. Beja. ''

She's looking down at you. More tears. Frustration. You smirk devilishly, thriving of having Heda at your mercy like this.

'' Tell me what you want, Commander. ''

She closes her eyes, a pleading sighs escaping her lips, push her hips up in hope to find something but the only words coming out of her mouth are just '' Klark, beja. ''

And you just keep on kissing her thighs, breathing over her and teasing her. You can smell her and it's glorious.

'' That's not very specific, Commander.. I'm a little lost on what to do. ''

Your smirk never leaves your face. You're enjoying this far too much when you know you don't have time. But this is empowering. You're surprised when she sits up, face dark and desperate, grabs your face with both her hands and whispers in your opened mouth.

'' Put your mouth on me, now. ''

Your voice drops to a whisper; it's dripping with want when you say '' Is that an order, Heda ? ''

'' Yes. ''

She's fierce when she says it, but demanding, in the softest way. She kisses you with the kindest of kisses but it feels like it's the most powerful of all. You slide her underwear off her legs, never breaking the kiss and when you pull back, you descend on her instantly. She doesn't lie back down though. She watches you when you pull her at the very edge of the bed and take in the sight of all that is her. You lick your lips before diving in and taste her one hard time. The noise that comes out of her is surreal. It's between a sigh, a plea, a moan, and a cry. You can't detach your lips from hers. Oxygen be damned. She's captivating and you feel alive. You devour her, and she's delicate when she grabs your hair. Finally lying back, she slowly lets go and quiet broken moans keep escaping her. It's music to your ears, to your heart.

You're grateful that you still have your pants on because it creates the tiniest of friction. It keeps the throbbing under control because what you're witnessing is a magic mix between incredibly arousing and eternally beautiful. You don't close your eyes, you watch everything she does, every reaction. Her hand coming up to her mouth, biting down to keep from moaning too loud. The way her hair are still cascading over her shoulder. Her abs tensing, clenching, with every jolt of pleasure. The way her breasts go up and down with every deep breath.

You commit it to memory. Carve it behind your eyes to never forget the reality before you. When she comes is the best, though. Eyes closed but peaceful, mouth opened, a single gasp escaping her then silence. Like this is the only moment in time that she is not herself. She's someone else. She's a simple girl born in a small Trikru village, making love to her girlfriend. She's a sky girl that has never known of pain and death, enjoying this moment in time. She's everybody else but Heda, the weight of the title is nothing. Its irrelevance hit you like a train and you love her a little bit more than before.

You ride it out with her, and when the last wave has passed, climb back on top of her to kiss her. She's lazy when she kisses back. Content. Calm.

" You're beautiful, you're so beautiful it hurts. " You don't expect the words to live your mouth but they do anyway. She smiles slowly, opens her eyes and you're sure your souls are one.

You're on your back in less time it takes for her to unbutton your pants and she's already pulling them down your legs. Surprise comes first and then want. You help her get it off and get in the middle of the bed in the process. She follows you and suddenly you're aware that your bodies will touch for the first time, naked and vulnerable. Your hot skin craves for hers, you pull her on top of you aggressively. She's all too happy to obliges, slides between your legs with grace, with power. She lowers herself on you, it feels like you can't breathe and you absolutely love it.

Everything is going so fast but so slow. Lexa kisses everywhere at once, lingering but never long enough. When the last item of clothing is discarded, you moans with anticipation. you've never been so needy and wanting before, and when fingers dip between your legs and find out much you want her, everything stops. She smirks and moan at the same time because how could she not ? She made this, and she made this.

" Have you been waiting for me, love ? "

Love. It's the first acknowlegment of what this is. Or a spoken one that is. It easily falls out of her lips, and crash agaisnt yours. You welcome it, it makes you heart grow. Leksa kom Trikru is going to make love to you. Nothing could take away the warmth that envelops you at this moment.

" Like you have no idea. "

Small smiles are exchanged, eyes darkening, breath mixing. Mouth against mouth, then against skin. Your neck, you breasts, the valley in between. Their continuing descents sends chills down your spine. You can't believe you finally get to have this moment. You can't believe Lexa has her head between your legs and is about to go down on you. What kind of dream is this ?

The first feel of her tongue breaks you. You moan. Loudly. You've never been quiet in bed, for the little experience you have anyway. But this time is going to be louder, you know it. Because you feel everything. The gentle caress of her breathing through her nose, her hands sneaking around your thighs, pressing on your stomach, keeping you from bucking too much. The other is tightly grasping your thighs, trying to keep it opened. It feels amazing. You keep getting louder because you can't not be. You're not in control anymore, Lexa is. And she's playing you like a fuckning violin. Making you hit notes you didn't know you had. Stroking you in all the right places, at all the right times.

" Leksa, beja. More. " You manage to say, how, you're not sure. " I need you, all of you. "

She gets it, it's how much you love each other. She enters you softly but in one thrust, and quickly work a rythm. You're overcome with emotions. You feel whole. Complete. In synch with yourself and with her. You come with her name on your lips, you repeat it like a mantra. A prayer. Like it's the only word from the vocabulary that is allowed past your lips. You grab her hand and hold on to her like she's the only thing grounding you to the bed. You feel like floating.

" Leksa, fuck.. "

She comes up to kiss you, then, when you've finally calmed down. You feel sedated. Soon though, she collapses next to you and rolls on her side, facing away. You think maybe this is it but then again, it's not. Not really. It'll never be. So you stroke her arm, over her tattoos. You feel like it's time to go.

" If Octavia and I are going to get behind the blockade by dawn.. "

" Shhh.. "

You smile. It's all you can do. She sounds so calm once again. It soothes you. It's not like you want to go either. You can pretend a little longer. You trace your fingers on her back, over her other tattoo.

" It's beautiful. "

" I got it on my asenscion day. A circle for every Nightblida that died when the Commander chose me. "

" Seven circles.. I thought you said there were nine officiates at your conclave ? "

" There were.. " There's something you can't place in her voice.

" What happened to number eight ? "

She faces you back now. She looks so beautiful you almost forgot in the minute she was facing away.

" Can we talk about something else ? "

She looks so small, but so free. And you're reminded how much she doesn't look like Heda. How much of Lexa she is right now and you're mezmerized once again.

" We don't have to talk at all.. "

She smiles like never before then. It's so full and bright. She looks happy. It's genuine and heartbreaking. It's because of you and the thought alone fills your chest with pride and happiness. She rolls on her side and leans in to kiss you. It's sweet, all smiles and affection. All traces of sadness are forgotten when you grab her hand and gently guide it where you can show her how much you still want her. Even when it's only been minutes. Once again she climbs on top of you, but this time you don't want to stop kissing her. You know that after this time, that's it. You have to leave. So you kiss deep, you kiss like you mean it.

One of your hand slides between your bodies and the other grabs the back of her neck. You pull her in, never wanting to let go. You need her to know that this isn't the last time. But at the same time, you need her to remember you for days, so she can't have the time to forget what you feel like inside of her. You want to kiss her as she comes, moaning into your mouth, while you come with her. So when she enters you once again, you do just the same. You're not gentle, you're not brutal, you're you and it seems to please her. She bucks into your hand, matching your every move. Your breaths mix, so does your moans. They come out as one, and form one and only sounds. Your legs are tangled and you move in synch.

If one where to see you, they wouldn't be able to tell you apart. You feel beautiful under her hands, you feel beautiful inside of her and you feel glorious wrapped around her fingers.

" Come with me Clarke " She says, low and pleading.

You imediately clench at her words, like a shock to your system. You feel her do the same and the feeling of coming at the same time as your lover is beyond words. You feel like a whole world opened up to you and swallowed you both. You don't want to stop though, it's too glorious, too magnificent a feeling to let it go away. So you keep thrusting into her, as she keeps doing as much. Soon enough, you're both coming again, and again. It's infinite and overwhelming. You've lost yourself in her. She has invaded you. You're her and she's you.

When it's all too much and too sensitive, though you both pull out, and she collaspses on top of you, breatheless, spent. Sated. You keep you arms around her, tightening your embrace. Taking her in. You smell her hair, kiss her forehead. You memorize.

" It's time, now. " You whisper. She knows.

Sad smiles and quivering lips are back but it's not as bad as before because now she knows. You shared this moment and it will forever stands in infinity. It's carved in the skin of you thighs. It's left traces on her back. You're going to feel her and she's going to feel you for days to come.

So you get dressed in silence, it's not heavy. It's comfortable. Like old lovers that are not afraid to share the quiet, the unspoken. There is sadness, it's true. Your heart is heavy there is no denying. But it is made lighter by the knowledge that this will happen again.

Fully dressed, you stand before her at the door. You kiss her hard, one last time, a single tear escaping and you pull her into you. It's the first time you hug like this. You didn't know you needed it, but you do now. It lasts long minutes and then you are out the doors. No words are said, you don't trust your voice.

When you meet Octavia, you're ready to be done with this. You're set on protecting your people but this feels unfair that their mistakes keeps you from making the right choice. Because for you, the right choice is at the top of this tower. You have a foot on the stirrup when you hear it.

" Klark kom Skaikru! "

She's here again. Two gards are at her side but with one move of her hand they stop a few feet away from where you stand. She wears a cape, and come to you hurriedly. She extends her arm like she did before and you grab it. You're close, much to close for this encounter to seem formal but you don't care. Let Octavia see. Let Indra see.

" May we meet again. " She says, and this time there's a small smile at the corner of her lips.

" We will. " You say with assurance. You lean in close, and whisper only for her " I'm coming back for you, love. "

You kiss her flushed cheek subtly.

Once you're on your horse and you look back at her retreating figure turning back to look at you, you know. This is not the end. This has only just begun.


	2. I feel like there's oceans between you and me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They scream at you, the love pours out and you finally feel like Mount Weather is far behind. Never to be forgotten but to become another headstone in the graveyard of your mistakes. One to remind you, of heartbreak that is almost healed, and regrets that can be replaced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here is the next chapter. I didn't quite know how I wanted the story to go but I think I do now. I'm not too sure about this chapter. Anyway I liked writing the letters and I hope everything make sense for you. This chapter is Lexa's POV because I was dying to get inside her head, but it only made me want to write her more so I think I'll alternate between the two. I didn't want to write about the ALIE/CoL storyline because I just don't like it so the story goes completely away from canon, it just focuses on the politics/Arkadia storyline. I hope ya'll like it and don't hesitate to tell me what you think. It can only make me better.  
> Also, the quote " Impossibility is a kiss away from reality " is NOT me. It's a quote from the amazing Netflix serie Sense8, if you don't know of it, please check it out, it'll blow your mind.

When you return to the Polis tower, you avoid your room. You can feel the heaviness of Clarke's precense and absence. You don't know which one is heavier, which is the most painful. The fact that she's not here, or the fact that you can still feel her everywhere. You can hear her walking in the corridors. See her sketching on the armchair of your bedroom. You can feel her bluest eyes against your skin, her hands dancing around you like ghosts that will haunt you forever. You accept it, all of it. Because it means ultimately that you got to know what it felt like. Those are not wishes, or fantasies. Those are memories. You didn't create this, you remember it. And this is the best kind of torture.

But it is torture all the same, and you already know that you won't be going to sleep tonight. It's already night when you settle for going on your balcony. It's quiet and peaceful, and you can let your mind wander. Think about what today meant, what will happen, with the blockade. You worry for Clarke. How could you not ? In the midst of a war, not even safe from her own people. It kills you that you can't protect her. That you can't make her safe. But you have responsibilities, you carry an infinite burden that is impossible to escape. That is greater than you, your love or your life.

It reminds you of the time you had to abandon Clarke at Mount Weather. When you walked away, never able to erase the tears, afraid you might never see her again. That might have been the hardest decision you had to make. But you did it anyway. Why ? You had tried so hard to stay away from love. Love was weakness, or so you've been told. In this moment it was. But Clarke.. Clarke is more than that. She inspires you to do greater good. To be better. To be more. Still with that same understanding of what it means to be a leader.

Hours pass, and you ocupy your mind the best you can. You go change, avoiding to look at the unmade bed. Put on your forehead decoration, braid your hairs. Before you know it, sun's rising along with your worries. Dawn. The blockade will be effective soon. Coincidence wants that the messenger arrives right when the thought crosses your mind. But something's not right. He shouldn't be here this early. That ride back takes hours.

“Messenger, must I ask what you are doing back this early ? Is something troubling the blockade ?”

“No Heda, I did not stay that long. Wanheda and Octavia kom Skaikru caught up, and as they passed us she asked me to return at the earliest to Polis.”

Your heart skip a beat. Your brain makes up a hundred scenarios. None of them have happy endings.

“Why would Wanheda send you back ?” You ask as calmly as you can, forcing composure on your face, and the tremble out of your voice.

“I come bearing something from her, Heda. Someone will be arriving later in the day to tell us about the blockade.”

Reaching inside his coat, he pulls out a folded piece of paper, tied with a piece of thread. Your heart is threatening to leave your chest, breaking your ribcage to escape its prison. You take the makeshift envelope, and it feels heavy in your hands. Heavy with things you want to know, things unsaid, heavy with a piece of Clarke. There are several pieces of paper in there. You want to immediately open them and know what is the content. You don't. You compose yourself. Patience.

“Thank you. You may rest but I might call you upon to return to her. Stay prepared.”

“Yes, Heda.”

You turn to sit on your throne, the letter still in your hand. Titus is next to you, and when you look into his eyes, you see disapproval. Annoyance, even.

“Heda, Clarke going back was the right decision, but this relationship is still dangerous, if your mind is unfocused.”

Raising her hand, you cut his rant short. You know he will not stop speaking otherwise. He never stops lately and your patience is running short.

“I know what you think, Titus. No need to remind me yet again.”

“Heda, you don't understand-”

“I perfectly understand what the stakes are, Titus. However, it is my decision to make and I will not have you lecturing me anymore on this situation. Am I making myself clear?”

You stay calm. You don't want to raise your voice like yesterday. But your tone is threatening. Dangerous. If he's smart he'll understand that he has reached your limit. At least for now. You know he won't stop but it might give you a bit more time.

“Yes, Heda.” His head is still high but his eyes are down, not daring to look at you. This fight is not over.

“Very well then. I will retreat to my quarters and I am not to be disturbed, unless absolutely necessary. We will wait news from the blockade to consider our next step to take is this matter. Until then, I am to be left alone.”

“Yes, Heda.” He repeats. Obedient, but holding back.

You walk to your room your head held hight, posture in place. Once in there, you sit on the couch, the same one you fell asleep in, under the safety of Clarke's company. The paper burns your fingers. Its weight feels like a hundred rocks. You open it, unfold the first piece of paper. It's a drawing. It's not the one she made of you but you recognize it anyway. She made it some nights ago, after Emerson was escorted far away from your land. It's one of Arkadia. You can see the structure of the Ark, as she called it, the forest surrounding it. It's beautiful, and rough, and everything that reminds you of her. You open the other one. Words seem to spill out of it, and invade you. They fall upon your eyes and create swarms of emotions.

She wrote you. You feel like she's here. Those words are Clarke by extension, and you touch the paper because you know that her hands must have brushed it. You're thankful that you still have a few hours before things are busy again, with news of the blockade. You're thankful you get to read this peacefully, with the memory of her sitting next to you. You prepare yourself. One last breath before eyes fall onto ink and words invade soul.

_Lexa,_

_Only hours passed. It still seems far too long. I don't allow my mind to wander to far off for it always seems to bring me back to you. I can't afford to be unfocused. You should know._

_We took a short break for the horses to rest and for us to eat. I will only use this time on you though. To let you know that I am still here. To let you have a piece of me. One more to add to the ones I already gave you. You must rely on these for now. They're all I can give before you can have all of me. And you will, that is a certainty you must not doubt. Like I do not doubt in return that you will belong to me eventually. How long will we have to wait ? I don't know. Weeks, months, years ? Who cares, because you own all that I am. It is yours to take when this is all over. And I will make sure that it is sooner rather than later._

_It is painful to bear the memories of our last moments together, the memories of your body, your voice pleading. But I don't regret them, it was necessary. How could I have gone without telling you ? How could I let you go by another second without letting you know that you hold my bleeding heart, that it is your hands that keeps it from bleeding out ? That you are the peace inside my mind, the strength in my shoulders, the one that helps me carry the weight of the world. How could you not know, that you are the oxygen inside my blood, taking residence, nestling its way throught my body and making it function. You are what I am, and I am what you are._

_Remember this today, when you wait for news from me. Remember this at night when you go lie down where we have been. Remember this when you sleep, when you can pretend that I am here, and that war is just a vague, distant memory. Remember this when you struggle, when you can't breathe because the emptiness takes over. Remember this in the darkest of nights, the brightest of days. I carry you everywhere, and this knowledge alone will keep me alive for you. Just like part of me stayed behind, hidden behind your highest walls. Behind them I am the willing prisonner that will never try and espace the safety of your heart._

_From now on I will forever live in the moment where you loved me, without restraints or obligations._

_I'll come back to you._

_Yours forever,_

_Clarke._

You read it. And then you read it again. You keep reading it, and an hour later, you're still reading it over and over again. Unshed tears are falling. You allow them in the confidence of loneliness. Are they happy ? Are they sad ? You can't say for sure. Your heart is so heavy you think you might never be able to stand again, the weight too overwhelming. But the words make you float, and fly. You laugh through your tears. It's nothing more than a choked sound, and it breaks the silence that shortly returns, defeaning. She didn't tell you she loved you. But who needs three words when you can have hundreds ?

They scream at you, the love pours out and you finally feel like Mount Weather is far behind. Never to be forgotten but to become another headstone in the graveyard of your mistakes. One to remind you, of heartbreak that is almost healed, and regrets that can be replaced.

You wonder for long moments if you should write back. Is it reasonnable ? Is it foolish ? Was it meant to be responded to ? Was it meant for closure ? But you almost laught at that. When did you and Clarke ever seeked closure ? There will never be closure. And you don't want to. You want the future wide-open. Where you can imagine any scenario where the two of you can grow together, happy and war-free. You find a piece of paper and some pen. You're grateful that you're the Commander and it allowed you to have the education necessary to write. Your passion for books and ancient litterature helps too.

However, you don't how to start. Many thoughts claw their ways into your mind and it's all too much. You want to tell her about the gaping hole she left behind her. About the lightness her letter brought. You want to tell her past stories of wars and broken hearts. Lives that were stolen to the innocent, and how many scars of yours still bleed for those you've lost. You want to tell her of early trainings, long hikes, the smell of her hair, the light in her smile. You don't.

_Clarke,_

_Relief is not strong enough of a word to describe the feeling your letter gave me. I didn't know I needed it but once more you knew before I did. I thank you for that._

_I hope that you are safe. I hope that you haven't armed yourself in any way, and Indra will know to look after you. Even if I know that you are more than capable to look after yourself. One cannot worry enough about your safety. You need to tread carefully and not jump into things. Make plans, infiltrate slowly. Buy yourself time, and don't make your presence known right away. Take back control with strategy and not force. I know you know these things. But I will feel guilty and unuseful if I don't say them._

_You were right, Clarke, I carry the emptiness around since you left, and sleep has yet to find me. Maybe I don't want to be found for the awakening would be much too painful. How can I spend hours thinking that you are here, that I have you, in my bed and in my arms, only to open my eyes and find loneliness greeting me ? So I bear the curse of only having the memory of you._

_And what a memory. It's warm and sweet at times, like the soft of the furs on a cold winter night. It's raging and powerful, at others, burning like a wildfire. Alive. Graceful. Beautiful, and strong._

_I yearn to touch you again and worship every part of your soul. I yearn for you to finally be happy and rested. I yearn for your freedom and your forgiveness, that I achieved yet will forever seek. I tried to make myself worthy of your love and in times like these I feel like I am. There is no feelings like the one of relief that graced me when your lips finally touched mine. Impossibility is a kiss away from reality._

_However sharp the edges, and the lighting dark, I will wait near the cliff of your bleeding heart._

_May we meet again, love._

_Yours eternally,_

_Leksa._

You don't try to proof read it, because if you do, you know you will just write another one. You fold it carefully and neatly, placing each corner in the center, and seal it with some candlewax. You're hesitant. But it's done now and Clarke reached out to you, so you must do the same. You go out of your room, ready to face whatever may come your way. Titus is here, hovering, and you don't like it. It makes you feel like you can't breathe. But then again, it's in the job description, you suppose. You know that tonight, you'll be able to slip into bed, somewhat serene because Clarke's letter will be waiting underneath the pillow and you'll get to read it again.

“ Titus, go find the messenger and bring him to the meeting room, please.”

The nod is the only indicator that he heard, before he goes away. Good, you're not sure you want to hear the sound of his voice right now. When you're on your throne you're still concerned but not as much. You feel confident that Clarke will make it. You have faith. When Titus returns with the messenger, you summon him to stand close to you.

“Messenger, return to the blockade immediately, remind the army to be pacific until absolutely necessary and wait for my order.”

You know that it is absolutely futile to send a messenger since another one is coming back, but you must keep up appearances. You slip the letter into your hand and extend it for him to grab it. Confusion is written across is face before he spots the letter. He grabs it, slipping his fingers around the piece of paper.

“Get this to Wanheda, right away. You are not to tell anyone that you are there to deliver this. If someone were to ask, you went seeking informations on the blockade. You will be discrete, and will return when Wanheda tells you to. Disobey this and you will pay with your life. Be loyal and you will be rewarded. Is it clear ?”

Your voice is not threatening in any way. It's calm, and low, you don't want anyone to hear this, not even Titus. Especially not Titus. He nods slightly his head. No further words are necessary. The letter tucked in his sleeve, he turns around and leaves. You see Titus watching you. He knows. But you can't bring yourself to care.

The second messenger won't be back for another four hours. You gather the nightbloods then. Training can't do them any harm and you could use the distraction, or the focus. Distraction from Clarke. Focus on the possible upcoming war. You join them at the clearing.

Aden is here. He is holding your gaze fiercely when you arrive, almost challenging you. You're amazed, and he reminds you of your younger self. The thought brings back painful memories, and happy ones. You think of a carefree life turned into one of challenges and responsibilities. You think of young love, blossoming. Discovery, of attraction, of danger. You think of how your learned that you were forbidden of hapiness. How you were denied your only source of joy. You think about Costia watching you train. Costia tending your wounds at night, sneaking through the window. Costia kissing away the pain, and kissing other things.

It all leads to the excrutiating memory of Costia's head being presented to you, one morning, unexpected. Unforeseen. Unavenged. Well, that last one was rectified. You would be lying if you didn't hope that the spear hadn't Costia's name engraved in its core. Jus drein jus daun, you said. Were you avenging the crimes of Mount Weather, or were you avenging the loss of your first love? If you were being honest, you'd say both. And when Queen Nia, blood spilling from her mouth, eyes empty, rendered her last breath, you felt your chest open, lighten. It felt like years of inner war finally ended. And in a way, maybe, that was you admitting that love wasn't weakness. You brought peace and justice to Costia's memory, and it felt good.

“Aden, you will pair up with me. Every one else, choose an opponent and grab a weapon of your choice.”

Quietly, everyone follows your order, and quickly enough, the training begins. You give short orders and guide them this time. There are no violent fight, for now. You teach them about the importance of patience, about the necessity of accuracy, about the need of speed, and strength. But it must not come first. First, you analyze, first you think. Knowing your opponent is as important as knowing yourself, you tell them. Then, two by two, they challenge each others, and you watch. Give orders, advices. Show them moves.

It feels good. They listen, they are hungry for knowledge, for power. You can't bear to tell them that all of this comes with unspeakable burden. But maybe, maybe Clarke's right. Maybe your legacy will be peace, and when the time comes for one of them to be commander, there will be no war to plan, no allies to betray. No armies to kill, no innocents to murder, no civilizations to slaughter. Maybe you will make this land a better place.

But for now, times are uncertain and they must be prepared, so you keep on teaching them to survive. And maybe someday, you will teach them to be merciful, and peaceful. You can't wait for that day to come.

“Heda” , you hear Titus call, turning around. “The second messenger from the blockade is here.”

You say nothing. You nod to him once, nod the the nightbloods with a small smile, and make your way back to the tower, while they continue to train by themselves.

Once in the meeting room, you take your place on your uncomfortable throne. It doesn't feel right without Clarke standing on its right.

“Messenger, have you come with informations regarding the blockade ?”

“Yes Heda, the blockade is in place and effective. Wanheda made camp with our army and is staying hidden. Octavia kom Skaikru has made her way in Arkadia and will, as soon as she can, bring a radio to Indra and Wanheda to keep them informed of what is going on inside the walls. She said she could get in without being noticed and will try to reach the one they call Marcus Kane.”

“Has the Skaikru shown any sign of rebellion against the blockade ?”

“No. But Wanheda said they might choose to purposefully stay calm to plan an attack on our army in the following days. Indra and Octavia agreed.”

You only nod. Your mind is reeling. You fiercely hope that Arkadia won't attack, or at least that Clarke and Octavia will succeed in taking down Chancellor Pike before that. It all comes down to their ability to take him down. If they attack, she will be forced to declare a war.

“Should I get back to give them specific orders Heda ?”

“You will go back, and wait for them to give you the informations on their plans. Tell them that I want to be informed of every move they plan to make. Every decisions, as far as possible. We are not to act upon the threat of an attack. Let's just wait and see if they can succeed.”

He nods. But doesn't move. You frown. Why doesn't he go back ? He's got a look on his face that tells you that this is not finished. He has something more to say. Away from unwelcomed ears.

You turn to Titus, because you know that the unwelcomed ears belong to him.

“I will be in my quarters, Titus. Get some food and water ready for his trip back and he will meet you at the doors of Polis shortly.”

He nods and leave, not without a look of discontent. You get up without a word and the messenger follows you.

“What name do you go by?” You ask him in the corridor that leads to your room.

“Izel, Heda.”

“Izel, is there something more you wish to tell me?” You ask him once you close the door of your bedroom.

When he reach inside his coat, you feel a familiar tug at your heart. You refuse to let yourself hope for more of Clarke. But you can't help it, it is there. She taught you that. To hope. To be hopeful, because when you are, good things tend to happen. And without fail, familiar paper make its appearance. You don't reach for it like your first instinct tells you to. You won't appear desperate. You will stay put, unfazed.

“Wanheda gave this to me. She ordered me to give it in confidence.”

There is an unfamiliar gentleness in his eyes. You want to hide there for eternity. It's comforting.

“You are not to say a word of this to anybody, you understand?”

“I wouldn't dare, Heda.”

“Right, then.” You take the letter from his extended hand. It's lighter than the other. You try not to be disappointed by that knowledge. That fact alone that the letter beneath your pillow will get a companion is astounding.

“Shall I wait for you to write back, Heda?”

“Did she ask you to?”

“Not spefically, but she looked.. hopeful. If I may.”

“You may. And you shall. Give me a moment.”

He nods and stand at the door. You go sit like you did earlier today. Your heart is thumping and you feel something you haven't felt in a long time. You feel excited. And loved. When you open the paper, you notice two things. The writing is messy, and you know she hurriedly wrote this. And the letter is shorter. But it is there nonetheless.

_Lexa,_

_I shouldn't be writing to you again but I can't help it. I've got a few minutes alone in my tent before I have to meet Indra, and start planning. Octavia is gone to Arkadia, she'll try to bring back the radio by tonight, which I think is when you will receive this. I think we might have came up with a plan but we need to be able to speak with someone from the inside to know if we can make it happen. Octavia is trying to get a hold of Kane, or my mother. I'll keep you informed._

_I wish you would be here. I miss you._

_There I said it. I miss everything you are and I will miss you until I can feel you in my arms again. I will miss your body, I will miss your smell, the delicate hair at the back of your neck. I will miss your hands, or your mouth on me._

_Think of me tonight, love, only think of me. If I could, I would only think of you. But duty calls and I must go. But you're here in my mind._

_Yours forever,_

_Clarke._

You don't have time to read it again. You grab a piece of paper, hurriedly, the pen still of the small table near the table. You quickly but carefully write a response. It is longer than Clarke's but she deserve every words you can give her. You repeat the motion you did earlier. Fold, seal. You write Clarke's name on the front this time.

Once it's done, you go back to Izel. He tucks it in coat.

You extend you arm to him. The look of reverence he gives you warms your heart. He grabs your arm, firm but gentle.

“You are to report back to me whatever you can on Wanheda's condition. The state she seems in, the conditions she lives in. If she seems down, if she seems injured, if she as much as smiles I want to know. If you see anyone trying to harm her, have Indra restrain them. Tell her that she keeps an eye on Wanheda. She is not to be left alone, unless to rest. Even then, warriors must guard her tent. And she must not know about this. Understood?”

He nods firmly, confident. Determined. You feel like you can trust him with more than just a piece of paper.

“You are good Izel. Be safe, and come back here straight to me when Wanheda or Indra tells you to. Now go.”

He smiles, and leaves without another word.

You are exhausted. Spent. Sun is setting, and you haven't eaten at all today. You take off your coat, and retrieve the other letter from your bed. You hide them in your favorite book, on the shelf. You'll read them again before sleeping. Right now, it is with heavy legs that you carry yourself to have supper. Your body is tired but your mind is restless and it still spins with the memory of Clarke's words, and your body tingles in all the right places. Your heart throbs with unyielding love. You will wait patiently for the morning, with the unashamed hope that it will bring yet another piece of paper from the fiery blonde that stole your heart four months ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think ? Stay tuned for the next update!


	3. You make me feel like I am clean again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't breathe and it dawns on you. That you bear the guilt of so many death, you gave your sanity in exchange for the lives of your people. It almost destroyed yours and Lexa's heart. Still you found your way back to each others. Only to have it ripped away from you. You want to understand how this works. Is this karma? Are you being punished for the lives you've taken at Mount Weather? Will you suffer incredible pain, for the rest of your life Aware of all you could have, but never able to reach for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two chapters in two days! Guys you are SPOILED. I just live for your kind words! So, back with Clarke's POV. This chapter has a bit of angst because let's be real, war's not easy guys. So I'm not a strategic person and I tried to come up with the best plan possible but I just suck at this so don't judge too harshly. I wanted the story to have a strong storyline that could relate to canon without losing too much focus on Clexa. Did my best here! Friendly reminder that I'm french and also this is just a pastime ( that takes a lot of time, actually. ) - Titles of chapter are song references, I hope you recognize them.. Anyway, good reading my lovely people.

The sun is low in the sky. It must be around 6 PM, maybe. You guess. It might be sooner, might be later. You can't tell anymore. The only thing you know for sure is that you're exhausted and want sleep. You've been talking all day with Indra and Octavia. You are now waiting for her to return with a radio and news from Kane. You're worried for her but she's Octavia, resident badass and extremely skilled warrior. She'll get it done.

When you arrived, you were careful not to make your presence known. Bellamy is the one who came to see what was happening, and you watched from afar the exchange he had with Indra. Octavia was hidden as well. She didn't want to have to face him right away, and seeing her might trigger him to do something stupid. Indra explained why there was a blockade, and the kill order. You thought for a moment that he was going to kill her on the spot, but you know his heart. He's a good man that has lost his way. You pray everyday that he finds it back, and you feel guilty because deep down, you're partly responsible.

He just stood still, thought for a moment and went back. You never heard from Arkadia again, but that couldn't be good news. Pike would never be okay with that. The fact that he wasn't responding immediately meant only bad news. He was planning something big. Bigger than taking a couple of guns and slaughtering an army. The armies of the 12 clans were here, and even with good weaponry, Arkadia wasn't big enough to take them all down on the spot. So they were thinking and planning. This could only mean one thing.

So the day passed, and you planned. Now, though, now you're beginning to feel the effects of the nightless sleep, of the constant worry. You're tired of this constricted chest, not being able to breathe since you left Polis. Since you left Lexa. You thought that writing her would ease your mind about your rushed departure, but it didn't. It just made you crave her more. Made you want to reach out, write down all that was filling your soul and give her the words.

You stay in your tent for a few moments. Octavia should be back soon, but maybe you can catch a few minutes of sleep.

You're cut short in your thoughts when a guard enter and standing behing him is the messenger you first sent to Lexa. Breath cutting short, you nod to let him in.

"Do you have news from Polis?” A desperation, a plea.

“Yes, Heda ordered me to return this to you. I am to go back at your orders Wanheda.” And then, a letter is handed to you. You grab it, unbelieving. Watch as if it's a deer with two heads, or rather, glowing flowers that illuminates the darkness of the night. It's sealed. You bring the paper to you mouth, and plant the ghost of a kiss. Maybe if you breathe it hard enough, you'll catch her scent.

“How are you feeling? Did you get any sleep since I sent you back yesterday?”

“A couple hours, yes. I can manage the ride back in 8 hours.”

"No it's fine, I'll wait for Izel. You've done more than enough, thank you. Go around camp, rest for the evening. I'll call you if I need you again.”

You can't manage to write back right now. There is no time. Not when you want to be consumed in this. You can't rush it. You can't. You sit on your makeshift bed and don't even notice the nod on Conrad's face-that's his name, you learned before sending your first letter-and his departure but you know that you are alone after a few minutes and snatch the letter open. You can breathe now. You lie down and waste no time in absorbing the words. You see her eyes in every letters, you feel her hands in the curves of the words. It doesn't even surprise you that her first words are concerned ones. For you. Hundred of miles away she will still make sure that you're okay. Could it be posible that you love her more than you already do?

It's tearing at your heart, holding it together, destroying it. There's a thousands thing that you are feeling right now. None of them, would be possible to put into words. Words didn't exists anymore apart from those in the paper in front of you. They only exists for you and her. They're yours to share and no one else's, and you feel incredible, that you have something that is just yours and hers.

It's a secret that you burry just at the surface of your heart, you let it purposefully show. You don't want to forget it, you want it to be there always. Making you want to fight harder. To live better. To live fully. And it's with the last of her words behind your eyes that you fall asleep, half laying, half sitting, letter clutched tight to your chest.

When you wake up again, night has fallen. It's dark, and it's Octavia's voice that wake you. You bolt outside, letter safely hidden underneath the matress of your bed.

“Octavia! Thank god you did it.” You hurry beside her, grabbing her shoulder. She doesn't respond but the look on her face clearly states that she's offended you ever doubted her. Indra's face wears the same. Who are you to question her second ?

“So, were you able to reach Kane?”

Her frown only deepens. Wrong thing to say once again.

“I've got the radio, Kane gave me one, he got it from Raven. She's in on this, as you can imagine. She's going to be essential.”

“Okay, does Sinclair knows too? What about my mom?”

“I don't know about Sinclair but Raven is probably trying to reach him. Abby knows, she and Kane are trying to find a way to get to Bellamy. Get him to come around and start to rally some of the people who voted for Pike. It won't be easy though..”

You could hear the disappointment in her voice. She wasn't even sure she could trust her own brother. You could only imagine how that felt.

“O, Bellamy dedicated his life to protect yours. He'll see the errors of his way.”

The clenching of a jaw was the only response.

“What about the radio?” Indra speaks. You shiver. Like everytime she speaks. You have infinite respect for this woman but sometimes, she scares you more than you care to admit.

“Yeah, Kane or Abby will contact as soon as they can. They're being watched, Pike is onto them especially since the blockade went into effect. They think they're being followed.. They're trying to talk to some people who voted for Kane.”

“How many does he think there is?”

“A few dozens, at most. Maybe fifty?”

“That doesn't make for a big rebellion. Pike would have no qualms having them all imprisoned. Or killed. We can't affort that, we need more people.”

“I know.” A pause. “ So what do we do now?”

“Now we wait for Kane to get back to us and tell us more about his situation, and what he thinks is the smartest way to take down Pike. He'll have more insight. We should all get some rest, I don't think they're going to attack tonight, they're not prepared.”

“I will come to you if I hear anything.” Indra say, before going to her tent. You're left with Octavia. She has a look. You don't like it one bit.

“Let's go to your tent.” It's not aggressive but it's not up for questioning either. You're suddenly scared because maybe she will want to talk about the mess of this war, but maybe she'll want to talk about something else entirely. Something that is secret and personnal, but is written all over your face. You reluctantly make your way, and once inside, she goes right to the point.

“You are playing a very dangerous game, Clarke.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Right. Eyebrows shot up, clearly not convinced by your poor excuse of an answer.

“You're one to talk. You've been involved with Lincoln practically since we've landed.”

“Look how well that turned out. Besides, he is not the Commander.”

“What difference does that make?” But it makes all the difference. You hear the pain inside your words, you feel them hurt your soul, and they stab at your heart. They feel like a curse, like poison.

“I am not telling you to stop it. I am not lecturing you. I am telling you to be careful. I am telling you this is dangerous.”

“Then why is this the safest I have felt since we're on Earth? Why do I feel this alive?” There is a lump in your throat. It's growing much too rapidly. It comes with the tears. They're almost there.

“I know what you feel. Believe me. My heart is kept prisonner by my own brother, but still I will fight to the death for him. I feel it too. But we're at war here. Another one.”

“It's not her fault. She's trying her best to maintain peace but our own people are making it impossible! How is that fair, O? Tell me how it is fair that you can't be with Lincoln, after all you've been throught because of your own family? How is it fair that I had to leave the peace and quiet of Lexa's bed minutes after allowing myself happiness, because the people I sacrificed myself to save are trying to ruin everything we've built? Tell me, Octavia! Because I am trying hard to understand the situation here, but it is not easy.”

She has a hand on your shoulder, and she gets it. Your voice trembles. You can't take this situation anymore. You want to scream, and you want Pike's head crushed underneath the wheels of a car you're driving. You want him to suffer your burden. You want out. You can't breathe and it dawns on you. That you bear the guilt of so many death, you gave your sanity in exchange for the lives of your people. It almost destroyed yours and Lexa's heart. Still you found your way back to each others. Only to have it ripped away from you. You want to understand how this works. Is this karma? Are you being punished for the lives you've taken at Mount Weather? Will you suffer incredible pain, for the rest of your life Aware of all you could have, but never able to reach for it.

You crumble. The exhaustion, the anger, the yearning for something you can't have makes it all too painful to fight the tears and you let them show.

“It's not. It's not fair, Clarke. It might never be.”

Sobs wrench from your throat and she grabs you before your knees hit the ground. Your head is on her chest, and you scream into it. You have to let it out. You grip her arms, she grips your head. Nothing is said. You both understand the pain of the other. You both live it. You think you feel more tears but they don't belong to you. There are only two however. Octavia was always the strongest. And forever you will pretend like you didn't know that she cried with you.

Finally, your body calms down. It feels like it's been hours. Actually, you think it might have been. You look up to her, silent tears still unable to be contained.

“I love her, O.”

“I know.”

Saying it out loud is liberating. You wish you could have said it to her instead. The fear that you might never be able to is crushing. You cry some more silently tucked beneath her chin, eyes opened, gaze fixing nothing. You can't move. Not even when someone is at the front of the tent, asking for entry, and Octavia grants them. You feel emptied. Drained of energy. One her hand leaves your face for a few moment. And, after awhile, you're both alone again. She's holding something.

“There's your name on it. He said it's from Lexa. He went to see Indra but he's coming back in a few hours.”

You can't answer because your voice is inexistent. Your throat is closed off, sealed. The lump is too big, you'd think you were supposed to choke to death with a lump this big. You only nod, and more tears fall. Where are they coming from? You want it to stop.

She reads the plea in your eyes, and put you back on your feet, guides you to the bed, and you lie down. Exhausted. She unseal the letter. Begins to read.

“ _Clarke,_

_I couldn't not think of you. You have invaded my mind as well as my soul and heart._

_I wish to be here with you too. The thought of you battling alone is unbearable. I would give my life for the guarantee of yours safe for eternity._

_Titus' patience is running short, making mine run even shorter. You words are the only thing that allow me to stay sane. Sometimes, there seems to be too much obstacles between us and I fear that we'll never find our way back to each other. But when I really search myself, when I allow myself to feel, I know. We don't need to find our way back. We don't need to overcome obstacles between us. We stand as one, and even if the distance is keeping us from touching, we were never separated. If anything, we only came together._

_You were never a weakness of mine, Clarke. You showed me that love is a way of life. Love is the greatest weapon of all and without it, you are forever bound to a life of pain, and regrets. Choices have been made in the past, decisions that can never be erased, but those are not weaknesses. Not anymore. This is our way of life now. Let it be filled with hope. I have this ability now. Because now I hope to hear from you again. I hope to see you again. And the burden of the 12 clans is not so crushing anymore. I know now that I am not alone._

_Be safe. Stay safe. And come back to me._

_Yours eternally,_

_Leksa.”_

You're silent for long moments. Octavia's voice is deep, raspy and soothing. Your eyes are closed and you feel sleep taking over once again. It's too powerful, you don't even fight it.

“Do you want to answer, Clarke?”

You nod faintly and that's the only thing you remember before darkness eat your last thought of love, hope, and safety.

The sun is high when you open your eyes. They're heavy but you feel a bit rested. Octavia is asleep sitting up, next to the bed, the letter neatly folded next to you. You slip out of the tent, silently. She needs rest as well. You seek Indra, and quickly spot her with Izel.

“Wanheda.” He says, bowing his head. “I was letting Indra know that Lexa wish to be informed of the plan at the earliest convenience. I waited for you to be well rested to see if there was anything other you wished for me to tell her.”

“Hum.. Yes. But wait a moment, please? Indra, any news from Kane?”

“Yes, Kane kom Skaikru has contacted me through the radio. The situation is unchanged, and tense. Sinclair has made it clear that he would help us, especially if we need to disengage to doors of Arkadia, if necessary, as well as the electric fence.”

“Okay, good. Good. Anything on my mother? Other people willing to take Pike down?”

“Yes, Abby is working with Raven to see if there's any way to take down Pike without having to start a war, they want to spare as many lives as they can. Marcus managed to rally a few people to their side. He didn't reach Bellamy though. He still stands his ground but hasn't been informed of the upcoming rebellion.”

“Okay.. Maybe O should talk to him. Maybe I should..”

“Someone needs to go inside the walls, we haven't told them that you were here yet.”

“I'll go. I need to see my mom. And Raven. We need to get everyone that is against Pike out of these walls. They can't stay inside. If there's an attack, they'll be the first killed. The goal is not to kill Pike. We need to stand by _Jus drein noun jus daun_. We don't want to create an uprising so we can't just go for it and risk our people to get killed. We need to trap them inside. Once we evacuate Kane's people, we can make a deal. We need weapons. We need guns. And for some people to stay behind. In case. To open the fence. And try to talk them down.”

“I'll go with you.”

It's Octavia. She's behind you.

“But we need more time.” She adds.

“Yeah, I need to go there now and come back, today. Assess the situation from the inside. Then, we'll take the night and tomorrow's day to plan the evacuation. It'll happen tomorrow night. O, you have to talk to Bellamy, try and get him to hold off any plans of attacking the blockade.”

“What do we do when Kane's people are out ?”

“I don't know. I guess we'll have to go and take the offensive. Confront Pike, and act fast so he doesn't have the time to be prepared. We'll need guns in case he start off something so we can defend ourselves. I'll ask Kane if he can get some.”

“Seems like a plan. What time is it?”

Indra looks up at the sky and seems to think only briefly.

“It's around 8 in the morning. We'll arrange for you to go to Arkadia in two hours.”

“Okay. I'll meet you there. Izel, will you follow me?”

“Of course, Wanheda.”

Once you're inside, you don't waste anytime. You rip a page of you sketchbook, and start to write. You don't want to waste any time. You have to talk to her.

_Leksa,_

_The plan is advancing. Tomorrow night, we'll try and evacuate Kane's people from Arkadia, before taking the offensive and confronting Pike. I am myself about to go into Arkadia right now to assess the situation and try to make plans with the people inside it._

_You are constantly in my mind, and I miss you more than I thought possible. There's a hole inside my chest and only you can fill it._

_The hours pass and they feel like days. Has it only been two nights? Because I feel like it's been years since I last saw you. But it feels like a minute ago, that I kissed you. I feels like a minute ago that I could touch your love instead of hoping for it. It all feels like a vivid dream that is confused with reality._

_I need to be reminded that you exist, that you're real. That you're mine._

_I am scared of what is to come. I hope to see you again._

_Yours forever._

_Clarke._

“Izel, take this to Heda, as fast as you can. You should be there by this afternoon, yes?”

“Yes, Wanheda. I will take the fastest horse.”

“And remember to give it to her in confidence. Also, tell her that I think she looks beautiful.” He frowns and you smile. Maybe you won't get to tell her again so you might as well tell her by proxy.

“I just know that she will be. She needs to be reminded.”

He nods, smiling.

 “Thank you, Izel.”

He leaves immediately after, and you know that you won't get another word from her for long hours. The time for the trip and back will take hours. If he returns right away, he won't be there until midnight. He might not even return right away, so you might have to wait for tomorrow. Those seem like long hours.

Two hours of lazy resting and reading again Lexa's letters, and you're heading for Arkadia, covered with a hood. Octavia is leading the way, and you will your mind into focus. 

You remember the way, you took not that long ago. And before you know it, you're walking the corridors of the Ark, quickly seeking shelter. Octavia knows where to lead you, and after only moments, you're pulled into a room, and strong arms crush your shoulders with tenderness.

“Mom..” You feel like you want to cry again because there's so much you want to tell her. Finally we meet again. I love you. Mom I forgive you. Forgive me in return? Mom, I am in love with Lexa, I don't know how to handle it. Can you sing me to sleep like before? Could we go back up, with dad, and Wells, and Finn? Mom, I'm glad you're safe.

“Clarke, you're okay.” You feel her smile against your cheek, it radiates all through you, and warms the cold around your heart.

When you pull back, there's no time for tears and pleasantries. You're the enemy here. There's no time for love, and comfort. There's only time for strategy that you don't want to think about.

“I am.” Smiles. They're only necessary. They're all you're allowed. They don't take times, and they're easy. You can talk at the same time.

“Okay, so we've got Miller that's been working as a double agent” Kane interrupts. He gives you a loving smile but one more time that's all there is. More smiles. “They're not planning anything for a few days so what do you reckon we should do? He's already working on getting us some guns.”

You quickly talk about everything there is to know. You don't stay more than an hour. And when the conversation drift to the grounders and Lexa's position, there's a knowing look in your mothers eyes. Sometimes you forget that she's your mother and she knows you better than you know yourself. And when she hugs you goodbye, and whispers _may we meet again_ , in your ear, she adds “It's going to be okay Clarke. We're going to be fine.”

You thank all the gods that she's your mom, and she knows that you need to hear those words.

You go back with Octavia and you don't see, hidden behind a tree, the shadow of Bellamy watching over you. You don't see his somber look, the one he sported a few days back when he accused you of abandoning him. You just go your way and re-enter your tent, spend the day talking strategy, over radio conversation, endlessly repeating the same thing over and over, organizing for Kane's people to be freed before you can basically assault Arkadia from inside. The doors will be unlocked and the armies of the twelve clans will be ready if a war is declared. That's the plan. And you already know it's not going to work.

You just have this gut-wrenching feeling that something is not right because everything is going all too well. And plans don't last in wars, Lexa once told you, so you wonder when yours is going to fail, or something is going to stand in the way of it. You just wonder when it's all going to go to shit. But it's a good plan, and you can't come up with another one that doesn't include 12 armies laying waste of Arkadia, blooshed, dying people and loved ones gone forever. So you just stick with this plan. It'll work.

When the night settle, and you're tired of going over the same thing, you just go outside, and wander through the trees. You think about writing Lexa again. But you don't. You don't know what to say more than you already did. Your words would just repeat themselves. I love you, I love you, I love you. Please, never let me go. I wish you were the sole purpose of my life. I wish our love didn't know any boundaries. But it does, and it hurts. It won't soon. Maybe someday, maybe someday is tomorrow night. Maybe this is when it all ends and after that, you can be Clarke and Lexa. Heda and Wanheda. The Commander and the Ambassador. You can be all of it and not be at war.

You close your eyes and breathe in the smell of the forest. Somewhere in there, you breathe her smell. And you thank your memory for being so accurate. For being this sharp. Because it is capable of making you believe that you hear her breathing. That you feel her body behind your own. You could swear that she is here. Oh, how you want her to be. How your skin aches, and long for her touch.

But it's all too real, and soon enough you don't thank your memories anymore. You curse them, you despise them because when you open your eyes, she won't be in front of you. When you open your eyes, she won't be breathing in the same air as you. And tears find their way between your eyelashes, they break free despite your closed eyes, and none of it is fair because you could swear that she is here.

“You look rather beautiful too, Clarke.”

This voice, that has haunted your dreams and all your waking hours. It's here. Eyes opening, breath catching, you just can't believe. She's here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, Clexa reunion. Don't worry guys, update'll be there soon, I just can't stay away from this story, and I'm probably already writing as you read!


	4. Soldier on, Keep your heart close to the ground.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look rather beautiful too, Clarke.” It's all you can say. All you can do. When her eyes open you realize you are proven wrong. She can be even more beautiful. You get lost in blue and decide that from now on it will be your absolute favorite. More tears fall, you reach to wipe them away. As soon as your hand touch her face, there's no more pretending. Your walls have been down since you saw her, and they're not coming back up. You lean in quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *GASP OF SHOCK.* Could it be? No it couldn't? But is it? YES IT IS ANOTHER UPDATE. Yeah, you guys knew it just like you know that tomorrow will bring another one of those. I absolutely love your kind words and the response to this and it only makes me want to write more. Also, I couldn't stop writing and this chapter is longer than the others. Next and last one might be even longer, I don't know. Depends on how good you are. Anyway, enjoy you guys! Clexa reunion, yay. ( Totes loved writing it tbh.)

You're not going to lie. Waking up alone was hard. But escaping this world and going into another one for hours was the best medicine against the emptiness. You slept through the night, and woke up rested, with an ache in your chest, yes, but missing bags under your eyes and the tiredness of your body. Tiredness of your soul wouldn't pass yet but you figured that it might never. You made peace with that.

Waking up later than usual meant that you stole a few hours of waiting, anticipating, wondering and worrying. You stole a few moments of peace. But you're awake now and you have this feeling. This weird feeling. Getting dressed, braiding your hair and putting on your war get up fails to distract your mind. Titus is already wanting for you outside your bedroom when you come out. And you're already tired of seeing him. You care for him a great deal, and there's no denying that he taught you of immense knowledge. But divergent opinions cannot make for a healthy relationship between a student and her teacher. He needs to open his mind, expand his vews.

"No words from the blockade, Titus?"

"No, Leksa, the messengers have yet to come back with informations."

You nod, not letting disappointment get to you. But worry is another matter entirely, and not knowing what is happening is eating your sanity slowly and painfully. You go to the meeting room, ready to start the meetings with the clan leaders. There's a lot of screaming, a lot of protesting. Most of them are scared, you know it. Confused. This is new, and frightening, to change your ways. When you've been taught all your life that one is to act in a certain fashion, who are you to tell them otherwise?

But you take on the responsibilites once again, to be the one that will offer them a better life. They just need to see that. They just need to have results, ones that are yet to come. Soon. You hope with all your might. You must contain them, reassure them, in the meantime, never failing to trust Clarke in her mission. She's not only saving her people. She's saving this coalition, this fragile empire that is threatening to fall.

It isn't merely your title that you fear for but the mess that would occur if a civil war where to happen between the grounders. And you do not want that for your people. You want them safe, and happy, and able to raise their children with a peace of mind you will never get.

Hours pass and arguing doesn't subside. Titus is standing here watching while the leaders demands justice, blood and explanations. Why isn't there news? Why Skaikru hasn't still taken down their leaders? Should we trust them? No we shouldn't, they say. They are not welcomed, they say. We shouldn't help them. You want to argue back stronger, but you buy yourself time. And just listen, because at this point, you're not nearly involved in the conversation. You take it. It's okay if they need to scream, and to yell, and take it out on you.

Mid afternoon though, the doors of the meeting room open, and the guards let through Izel, strong stance and fierce eyes. There's a tightening in your chest, fingers gripping the side of your throne and you fight, _hard_ , no to leap on your feet and kneel down, begging for words from Clarke.

"Heda, I come with informations on the blockade."

"Let's take this to another room."

The sounds of the protest makes you raise your hand. You ignore the few that still protests and lead him to the corridor outside the meeting room, away from prying eyes and ears.

"Tell me about the blockade first, Izel." You say when he reaches in to give you what your wished for.

"Wanheda and Octeivia kom Skaikru have come up with a plan to evacuate the people inside Arkadia that do not agree with Pike. They are planning to confront him once everyone is outside. They managed to get into contact with them and the planning is still going on. They fear for war but the armies of the 12 clans are ready to fight if it comes down to it."

"Very well." You extend your hand and quickly unfold the letter you discover. The words do nothing to soothe the pain, or stop the worry. On the contrary when you lift your eyes to Izel, you are pleading.

"What else can you tell me?"

"Heda.."

"Izel, you will tell me about Clarke, and you will tell me now." You won't even try to call her anything other than Clarke. No need to pretend in front of him.

"When I arrived to camp, Wanheda was in her tent with Octavia, she was trying to comfort her.."

"What do you mean comfort her? Is Clarke injured and she failed to tell me?"

"No Heda, her body seemed untouched." You do not like where this conversation is heading, blood is rushing to your cheeks, tears to your eyes, your heart is threatening to come out of your body through your mouth. Fist wrinkle the paper of the last words you have from Clarke. "But I am afraid that her mind is not. She seemed pained and suffering, on her knees. She was crying a great deal. I left the letter and went to find Indra. A few hours later, she came back, seemed rested and went on to the plan but I could see ghosts behind her eyes. She did not seem well."

The newfound piece of information is the last straw. You cannot stand by this another minute.

"Also," Is this not over yet? Do you need to hear more of this torture? "She told me to tell you that you look beautiful."

You're speechless. Muted. There is water behind your eyes.

"She said, "Tell her she looks beautiful. I know she will be. She needs to be reminded."" How is such a woman alive? What did you do to deserve to be treated in such a way? In this moment, you are not your own anymore, you are undeniably and utterly hers.

The decision is made before you can even question yourself.

"Thank you Izel, you will go prepapre a horse and supplies for the trip. Take two guards with you but no more. I am to meet you at the doors of Polis shortly. We are to leave at the earliest convenience. Do not speak of this to anyone, do you understand?"

He nods his head once, and you see approval in his eyes. It feels incredibly comforting. It feels 's gone before you have the time to open the doors of the meeting room again.

You take long and confident strides, drowned in questions, pleas and orders.

"Hosh op!"

You marvel at the authority in your voice when every last of them quiet down.

"It has been brought to my attention that the plans to take down the leader of Skaikru has advanced. They are to free the people that are against him and the order is NOT to attack those that will be freed, despite the kill order. Those are NOT enemies, and everyone that will willingly surrender and join our ranks will be spared from the kill order."

Gasps and murmurs of protests starts to grow once more. You don't let it disturb you. You must be efficient. You must be quick, because your heart is already on its way.

"I will be joining the camp of the army to look over the plan, as it has been clear that an attack were to be expected. However, I will go alone, the journey has already been arranged. Once he has fallen, Chancellor Pike will not be sentenced to death, but to exile." Louder protests. "The Skaikru will rejoin the coalition, however few they are and that is not up for questionning."

Voices don't raise, but it doesn't appease your mind. They're still here. It still seems like the loudest noise ever and it suffocates you. You try not to crumble because now they're on their feet.

They stop dead in their track though when an unexpected, yet not surprising voice rings loud and clear.

"I will not allow you to sacrifice your people to help Skaikru!"

Silence. Heavy and tense. Titus has spoken. Loud. Titus has _ordered._ You turn to him slowly. If you were angry before, what is this burning feeling low in your chest?

"I beg your pardon? _Ai laik Heda!_ I give orders! I decide what is to allowed or not! You are in no position to allow me anything!" Your voice raises dangerously as you approach him and for the first time, you see regrets. "You are not to question any decision I make from now on, and are not advise me in any way until I demand your opinion. You are to adress me only when completely necessary, and never, _ever,_ defy my authority again or the consequences will be unprecedented. Is it perfectly clear?"

He nods faintly, no colors in his face. But doesn't answer.

"Answer me!" You raise your voice again. The rage consumes you, irrationally, but he stepped over the line by a milestone and this behavior has gone around long enough.

"Yes, Heda, it is clear."

You turn to the rest of the room, still stunned and hanging to your every words.

"Nobody in this room will dare to speak to me in that way. Those are not light decisions. Those are not easy to make and they are made with a concept that goes beyond everything that we were being taught for generations. Skaikru has attacked us, just as we attacked them. Wiping them out will not end this. It will bring a slight pause and another war will come along. More people will die. How many of you have lost children, fathers, husbands, brothers, in battles. How many were taken by the Moutain Men? Need I remind you that Skaikru freed them, and we profited that. It is time that we erase what has been done in the past, leaving it to rest as history. What this could bring, is knowledge, peace, the guarantee that your children and grandchildren could live long and happy lives. Skaikru can bring us better medicine, new techniques. Better ways to defend ourselves. Education, knowledge. Technology. We can help each others. We can be better together, rather than tear at each others and waste lives unecessarily. Don't you want life to be about more than just surviving? Instead of going from one war to another?"

Nobody respond. You feel like you couldn't give them a better explanation. You know they understand, but it is hard to overcome the fear of the unknown. Of what could happen and the uncertainty of things you don't understand.

"I will not be sorry for trying to show my people a better life. I will not be sorry for wanting better, and more. And I will certainly not stand by as people try to force their ways into my decisions."

You turn to Titus at this. It is meant for him and every person in this room know this. There's no sound. It is not the last of the discussion, you know it. Some people will fight more, ambassadors will object. But not for now. What happened a minute ago will buy you enough time to end this for the time being, then you'll be able to show them the way.

You're out the doors and on your horse in half an hour. Titus can take care of the rest. He has much to redeem himself for. You hurry, Izel and the two guards on your tail. There's no time to waste when the pull in your chest gets stronger. Midway though, you must take a break, after four hours of riding, the horses need to drink and rest. In the hour that you take, you write. To Clarke. It feels like a final letter and you know you'll have to give it to her yourself. It is long, and deep. Everything you need and want to say to her. You know you will have to wait for the right moment to let her read it. When will that be you don't know.

Night has fallen when you go back on your horse. Maybe, you'll be able to be there a little after midnight. The air on your face keeps you grounded. A sharp reminder that you did this. You took this decision. It feels like it was for you. But you know you must go to ensure Clarke's safety. The one of your army. There is a war coming you know it and it won't be one if the Commander is not there. You will not fail Clarke this time. You will not let her carry the outcome of this one. You will fight at her side. You won't stand by and watch her take all the crushing decisions.

A few miles from camp, you can see the fires. You decide to finish on foot, you don't want to make an appearance right away. It would cause too much discraction. You will slip into camp without being seen.

"Izel, go ahead without me. Let Indra know that I'll be arriving shortly. Tell her that I am here to supervise the blockade and the evacution, and here to guide the ranks in case it would come to battle. I'll slip in camp so as to not cause any disruption in the planning."

He goes with the two guards and you go on more slowly, taking a slightly different turn. Your heart stop gradually when you are able to decipher a silhouette less than a few feets away. You get off your horse slowly. Blonde hairs are falling down and she seems peaceful. You feel like you can breathe again. You attach the horse to a tree, you'll come get it later. Maybe you and Clarke can ride it together to camp. There's a funny feeling in your stomach at the tought. You decide that you like it.

You try and be a noiseless as you can be. And let's be real, you're the Commander. You know how to not make noise. You can't believe it's real. She's standing here, in the quiet of the night. Eyes closed. You're overwhelmed. You're trancended. You're in love.

You go up behind her, breathing in her scent. And when you face her, you see tears. God, she's beautiful. Your body feels like a feather, it feels light and alive, and free. Soaring aimlessly into the gentle breeze of the night.

"You look rather beautiful too, Clarke." It's all you can say. All you can do. When her eyes open you realize you are proven wrong. She can be even more beautiful. You get lost in blue and decide that from now on it will be your absolute favorite. More tears fall, you reach to wipe them away. As soon as your hand touch her face, there's no more pretending. Your walls have been down since you saw her, and they're not coming back up. You lean in quickly.

When your lips are reacquainted, in force and passion, you feel like you are whole again. It feels like you had been missing a limb, an organ. Something wasn't right and now it is. Now, everything falls into place, gripping her face between your hands, feeling hers gripping your arms, your hips, your coat, your hair. You kiss her so hard that it hurts physically. It has only been two days. Two days in hell, and you swear to yourself, you make yourself promise that you will never leave her side again.

You pull back, foreheads touching, sharing deep breaths, giving each others the oxygen that has touched your heart. Chests heaving, you forget the world for a minute, and let it sink in that her hair underneath your fingers and the tears falling on your knuckles are not your imagination. When the space between your bodies becomes to much, you slip your hands around her waist and pull her in. Tight. Head hidden in necks, arms around neck and silent sights of relief are louder than words.

You grip her. Encircle her. You need to be as one. "You're here" She breathes against your skin and the words slide on it, colour it.

"I couldn't stay away." You breathe back. "I couldn't stay away from you." Truest words never left your mouth.

Her forehead is against yours again, and her lips hover over your own. You don't kiss her right away, she doesn't either. You just take it all in. You just feel.

When you do kiss her again though, it's slower but oh so glorious. Because this is kiss is not filled with goodbyes and what-ifs. It's filled with only love and affection, with respect. You don't know how long you kiss her, all open-mouth, languid strokes of each others tongues that feels far too good to be true, but at one point, you know you have to stop. There's still a mission to accomplish here.

"Come on, we must go back to camp."

Hand in hers you walk her to the horse and when she hops on, extend her hands for you to take the place behind her, you feel like screaming with joy. You don't show it, though. You wouldn't hear the end of it.

The ride to camp is short and silent, nothing more than a few minutes, and all too soon, her warmth is gone. Reaching Indra's tent is quite easy. People have been warned you would come so no one is surprised to see you. Good. Right into business.

She greets you with a nod and a strange look, while Octavia is sporting a light smirk, and you have no idea of its meaning. You don't have time to ask anyway.

"Indra, Octavia. What is the situation?"

"While you were on your way, Kane contacted us. He believes it would be more safe and easy to start evacuating now. Create small groups of three to five people and letting them take the hidden passage. This way, we could sneak out people throughout this night and tomorrow with a clear appreciation of guard watch. It'd be less risky, and noticeable. He is waiting on our approval."

You look at Clarke pointedly, while Indra gets your warpaint, and start applying it. Drastic situations call up for drastic measures.

"I agree, it's a good plan. Gathering this many people in one place would be too suspicious and it'll be too complicated. Are they ready?"

"Yeah, more people have joined the movement but it's still not enough so, we're sticking with evacuation. Those who wants to stay knows what they're getting themselves into." Octavia chimes in. "I couldn't get to Bellamy, he hasn't left Pike's side since we came back from Arkadia."

"They know we are planning something, people are talking. The faster we act the better, tension is rising."

You look at Clarke again. You expect her to say something, but she's looking at your now painted face with something you haven't seen since she left Polis. It triggers something inside you. You can't look away, because you know what she's thinking.

You don't hear Octavia clear her throat, but Clarke is the first to break eye contact. There's a click, a voice coming from the radio. It's Kane, you recognize it. But you don't understand what he is saying. Only Clarke exists and each time she looks at you, she has this look. It's want. Hunger. _Thirst_. This is not a time to have such thoughts, and you try to block them. You don't want to think of her naked body against yours. You don't want to think of the skin of her neck, where you can clearly see the blood pumping from here.

Octavia is gone, she went to get the firsts to come out of Arkadia. Indra is talking with Kane still. Clarke comes to stand next to you, around the table where a plan of Arkadia has been drawn-by her and it is beautiful-and your shoulders touch. It is too much already.

You feel a single finger starts to trace patterns on your hand. It's a light touch, but it burns your hand. It burns so good that you want to beg for more. But Indra is still very much at the other side of the table, oblivious. You reach out and soon, both yours hands discover the other. Tips of fingers cross the palm of a hand, then the back, learn each and every curve of said hand. It makes you remember places where it has been. Places it has touched. When it rested between you, in the most intimate part of her body, greedy, and forever unsatisfied, pleading for more.

You make an unthinkable mistake then, you turn your head slowly and look at her, watching you with pure desire. Her hand feels like liquid heat against yours and you must do something. Indra doesn't even seem to need you anyway. Everything seems under control. You take a step back, puff your chest, and clear your throat.

"Clarke, may I speak with you privately?"

"Certainly, _Commander_."

Oh, she is dangerous. You swallow hard. Provocation is Clarke's best attire. A dark look crosses your feature when your eyes find hers again and she passes you, her shoulders, arms and hands purposely touching you.

Indra shoots you a look but doesn't request anything else and you nod before following the fiery blonde. She starts to go to her tent but you can't risk anyone coming in. You grab her arm forcefully but carefully, and change direction. You walk fast, patience is the last thing on your mind. You must have her. Now.

Five minutes into the forest, you stop and face her, short breath, and she lunges for your lips without preamble. God, this woman is going to kill you one day. You back her up until her back hits a tree, and you press yourself into her. You need her. Instantly you kiss down her neck, gripping at her sides, eager to touch everything she has to offer.

"Why did you put on your warpaint, don't you know what it does to me?"

"I do now."

You bite her neck, press open-mouthed kisses, and mark her. This ressembles nothing that happened last time you touched her. There is a raw desire to feel her, it's rough and fast, and _good_. She's pulling at your hair, clawing at your skin, breathing hard against your ear.

"We shouldn't do this now, Lexa."

"I do not care." Hands slipping underneath her shirt will hopefully shut her up. It doesn't.

"I thought we had to think with our head and not our heart." Oh, she wants to tease. She doesn't know two can play that game. You grab at her thighs, effectively pulling her from the ground and trapping her between the tree and you.

"I am not thinking with either of these things right now, Clarke." You breathe her name in her mouth, and grind her hips into her for emphasis. You swallow the whimper that escapes her lips. It tastes delicious in your mouth. Legs are wrapped around you in seconds and with eyes blackening she presses her hips against yours in response, a breathy "Oh god" escaping her.

Your hands are back underneath her shirt, and you claw at the skin of her abs. They're defined, so deliciously tightening for your fingers.

She taste like the food of gods, the skin of her neck is so warm and exotic. She offers it, head thrown back. The invite is so tempting, who are you to deny it? All your body is in flames, consumed by this unsatiable want. You grab her backside to give you leverage, and grind into her, again and again. It's glorious, the sounds that leaves her mouth, only for you to witness, to absorb.

"I want you." You breathe in her neck, it ends with a moan. You're not in control of yourself anymore. You can't be held accountable for what is transpiring here.

"Take me, Lexa." Oh, may the spirits of the pasts commanders have mercy on your soul, for all the thoughts that cross your mind should be enough to have you burnt on the spot. "Take what's yours."

You're done for. You're gone, too far gone, so much that you think nobody will ever be able to find you again. She sure knows how to push your buttons. On their own volition, your hands fly to the buttons of her jeans and tear it open. You need to be inside her, and mark her soul. When your fingers touch her heat you both moan, one from relief and one from pleasure. She breathes in your ear harder and harder, panting, whispering words of sins.

"Touch me." She says as one of her hand reaches behind her to grab at the tree, that she uses to press herself more fully, completely arching up into you.

"Fuck me." She says when you're finally knuckles deep inside of her, and the angle of your wrist is awkward but it's so right, this kind of torture is a blessing in disguise.

"Own me, _Leksa_ , _possess me._ " She says when you thrusts with your whole body, furiously. You are in another world, one that is only made of her body, her intoxicating scent, all that is her.

She doesn't speak after that, she can only moan, loudly, more loudly than ever. Her name leaves you lips countless times, as you continue to invade her body in all the right ways. She's loving it, but you might be loving it more. You've never felt this kind of power before, you've never let yourself go like this. You're sure that her nails are drawing blood in the back of your neck, and it feels amazing.

You pull your head back from her neck, and you watch her, this goddess fallen from the stars. Her chest is heaving with the deepest, quickest of breaths, mouth opened that creates loud noises of paradise, she's as gone as you. She's lost now, and you feel her clenching around your fingers. When she comes she stops breathing, screaming, moving, waves after waves of pleasure wrecking her beautiful features. You didn't think it was possible but you fell in love with her again right there. You failed to keep count for it happened too many times now. You will never stop falling in love with her.

It lasts moments, and for long minutes, your only move are the gentle thrusts that are gradually slowing. You want to go again, you want to drop to your knees and take her again, ravish her and love on her all night but you can't. Those are ideas you keep for another time. When she opens her eyes, you remove your fingers but keep her in your arms, and just watch her watch you. She has a smile and hasn't regain her breath yet.

"I love you." You say reverently like you hadn't just took her up against a tree seconds ago. In your current mind, you think about proving it, and the only thing you think of is bringing your fingers to your mouth and tasting her. Her mouth drops open. You see shock in her eyes, it goes along with arousal, surprise, love. She kisses you, of course she does. For a minute there you think you've lost your resolve and will just make love to her again and never stop, but she pulls back and takes your head between her hands.

"Jesus, god. Lexa. Let me down before I beg that you take me again."

Are you supposed to let her down now? But you sight and do it anyway. You redo her pants and take a step back. There really isn't any time. You walk back to camp in silence, smiles on your face, and for a few minutes, you don't think about war. You only think about happiness and heated moments against the trunk of a tree.

"I love you, too."

She says before entering camp, kisses the back of your hands. You both smile like kids. Her head dips down, even in the night you see her cheeks reddening, much like yours that feels warm against the cool night hair. You wish that life could be like this more often.

Unfortunately, this thought is cut in its heart by reality, that is coming back to bite you right in the jugular. A male voice is approaching and you recognize Bellamy. He has a terrified look in his eyes. And a gun. In swift movements, you put Clarke behind you, sheltering her and draw the knife that is tucked in your boot.

"Clarke! Clarke you have to help, I fucked up!" He sounds desperate.

"Stand back!" You scream, but Clarke is pushing you.

"What is it Bell, what are you doing here?!" He is pleading with his eyes to understand when she approaches him and you can hear movement around you. It doesn't feel good. At all.

"I didn't know what to do. I saw you earlier with Octavia, I thought you were going to attack us. I told Pike and he had guards waiting at the passage. He took her Clarke, he's going to kill her! You can't let him do that!"

He's crying now, and you want to pity him. But the situation just took a bad turn.

"Bellamy, where is Pike now?"

"He's coming for you, Clarke. He's coming now.."

You need to move fast.

"Indra!" You scream, you need to get to her, you need to gather forces. But first you grab him and put your knife on his throat. "You are going to tell me all you know about his plan of attack, what weapon he has, what is his strategy, or I will end your life right now."

Clarke has her hand on your forearm in seconds.

"Lexa, stop. He's going to help us. We'll get Octavia, but you have to help us, Bell."

He nods, still crying. You go, but you know they are behind, following. Once you've reached Indra's tent, you put on an armor and order your guards to find one for Clarke. You gather swords, knifes, that you put all around your and her body while you listen to Bellamy and try to assess all the informations. They are coming just before dawn. Meaning in less than an hour. But if you leave now, you can take away their element of surprise.

"Indra, contact Kane. Tell them we need them to open the fence. We're attacking now."

"Lexa, we can't do that our people are still inside!" You tremble when she says our. Like there's no distinction anymore. What belongs to her belongs to you. "We are not those people anymore that will fight at any chance we get. Let's march there and demand a negotiation. Buy ourselves more time."

"Clarke, an army armed with guns is marching on this camp as we speak, I cannot just kneel before Arkadia and demand mercy. I will not."

"You're not, alright? I'll go!"

"Absolutely not, you are not leaving my side."

The wall is here. You're at the bottom. What do we do now? You need to think. Clarke is right. You can't assault first. You can't let them come to you. You need to save the people inside Arkadia. You're running out of time. You need a plan, now.

Suddenly a voice in the radio break free, hurried and breathless.

"Come in, this is Abby kom Skaikru!"

Clarke jumps on the radio and you want to erase the worry on her face.

"Mom, it's me, it's Clarke."

"Clarke, we got Octavia, Kane was able to knock down the guards with Miller. We've managed to gather our people in the hospital wing, things are crazy here. More people are starting to rebel but they're being emprisoned, and sentenced to death. Their army is getting ready to march on the blockade!"

Bellamy breathe a long, heavy sight of relief at the mention of Octavia's name. But you're worried because she's still in there, with Kane, and Clarke's mom, and Raven, and so many people you wish you could save.

"Okay, but can't you go? Can't you escape? We'll be ready when they come!"

"Our people are safe, don't worry. I locked them in the hospital wing. Nobody can get in. Kane, Raven, Sinclair, Jasper, Octavia and I are going to try and get away, Miller got us weapons. He and Monty are coming with the army, they'll turn on them when the attack begins."

"Mom, no, please! This is too dangerous. Stay in the hospital please, we'll come and get you."

"No you need the weapons, we need to get to you. Don't you worry about me now, honey. Stay safe."

"She will be, Abby. I'm here, I'll protect her." You say, because she needs to know that her daughter will be cared for and protected like no other.

"Good, thank you Lexa. I need to go now. I love you, Clarke." And the line clicks shut.

"Mom! Mom.." She grabs and shake the radio, and you want to comfort her but there is no time. You have an idea. You need to move now.

"Clarke, she will be okay. We need to gather up."

Indra is already outside, and the army is gathered. Getting ready. Bellamy is at your side.

"Bellamy, will you be joining our ranks in the upcoming battle?" He nods fiercely, his face is full of remorse, of apologies. He can be useful, he has weapons. But you're nowhere near ready to trust him.

"Give me your gun." Say Clarke fiercely, and she doesn't even wait for him to reply before grabbing it from it's holster. "You stay with us, we're the only ones with guns and they will come in handy."

You turn to the army.

"Armies of the 12 clans! Chancellor Pike's men are marching on our camp as we speak! However, thanks to Bellamy we now have the advantage of this knowledge! We will reverse the element of surprise on them and to do so, we are going to hide in the surroundings area. Let them come to us! Be ready!"

Everything moves fast after that. You grab Clarke, give orders here and there. Place your archers in the best spots you can find. Time is running short and you can see the electric lights coming this way. They are coming.

You heart is beating. You're hiding behind a large trunk, Clarke a few feet away, lying on her stomach, gun ready to shoot. You don't want this war but you have no choice, you must defend yourselves. This is a small army, yes, but they are far better armed than you. You hope with all your heart that they will arrive at camp, see nobody, and go back. But they won't. You're all hidden at the very end of it, hidden in the dark of the night. Some are in trees, others on the ground. Some are just behind bushes, knives ready to be thrown. But everybody has orders. Do not attack first.

The air is tense. You can hear them coming, the soft glow of the camp not that far. You can see some of them, weapons raised, ready to shoot. You wait. You wait. Several moments of tension hangs until a cracking sound is heard and immediately following, several gunshots. And this is it.

It all becomes a blur, like it always is in war and you're vaguely aware of arrows taking down several of their men before you turn from the tree and launch your knife into another man's throat. You run before lauching yourself on the ground. You can't afford to being vulnerably exposed. You hear shouting and see several of your people fall. You don't have time to feel for them. Clarke is firing, one, two, three times. Archers are doing a far greater job at this, and soon, Pike's army is shooting in the air, allowing you use your speed to take one down with a knife, he was just there. You grab his gun and launch it at Clarke. Before running in the direction of another. Nothing is protecting you from the bullets that may come your way but you figure that a moving target is a difficult one to shoot.

So you don't stop moving, and you focus only on taking people down. You move fluidly, you know that years of trainings and battles have made you an incredible warrior. The best of them. In the distance you hear Octavia shouting. They made it. Good. More guns for you. You see Clarke at the corner of your eyes shooting the massive gun several times. A few men fall again. Their army is weakening. You have the upper hand. You might win this thing. You continue to fight, and you're like water. Fluid. People don't have time to see you before you hit them. You try not kill them if you can avoid it. You knock them down, injure their legs, take their guns. You know Clarke is doing the same. It's not smart, because they could easily kill you just the same even on the ground. But you're tired of the growing weight of death that grips your throat with guilt.

There's so few of them now, they were so underprepared. We are too many. We were well informed. Soon you find refuge behind a tree, dodging a bullet, and realize that you can't see Clarke anywhere. You lost her. You run around, panick fueling your movements. You don't care about the bullets anyway. There's smoke, the camp caught fire, surely because of the candles, and the fire. The red lighting is matching the colour of the sky. Sun is rising.

"Clarke!" You call. You pass injured people and dead ones. Your hear guns being fired. You're scared.

Soon enough you find her, she's standing, gun raised. Everything has quieted down apart from a few gunshot. She's talking with a bald man, and you know it must be him. It's Pike. They seem to be alone. You know she doens't want to kill him, she'll do it only if she has to. Everything stand stills. You're running to her, and the gun pointed at her does not inspire good things. You've almost reached her when you see her pressing the trigger of her gun before realizing with horror that it did not fire. And just as you're near, you grab her arm before hearing the sound of another gun that has successfully been fired.

You grabbed her in time, you think smiling. You did it. She wasn't in the path of the bullet. You barely register another sound of gunshot. The sound of a body hitting the ground. Clarke's voice screaming. You're still smiling when reality hits you. Clarke wasn't in the bullet's path. You were.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS I'M SORRY. I realize I just pulled a MASSIVE JROTH here, but hear me out. DO YOU THINK I'M GONG TO KILL HEDA LEXTRA PRINCESS OF MY HEART? I feel like it kinda defeat the purpose of the cliffhanger to tell you what's going to happen but FEAR NOT, my fragile, little gay babies. Lexa, Commander of my soul will NOT DIE. She's not even injured that much but you know her, she's a dramatic hoe so she must play it like her time has come. ANYWAY, I'll make up for it in the finale with not one but TWO Lexa letter ( including one that is NSFW ) and just a lot of fluffy love, some Princess Mechanic, some Lexa/Abby. Well, the usual stuff of dreams. 


	5. I feel safe in the 5am light, You carry my fears as the heavens set fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Clarke is big on forgiveness, that much I've learned.”
> 
> “That she is, but I'm not when it comes to myself.” 
> 
> “Yes, I know the feeling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES IT IS HERE. As promised, here's the final chapter! As promised it contains all I said it would, but beware it also contains character's deaths ( NOT CLEXA OR OCTAVEN ). This is a bit sad sometimes but guys, it's post war, people are sad. But it's a lot of fluffy flirting and Clexa heavy. So, yeah. I enjoyed writing this story really much and I didn't think I could pull it off but.. eh. I know it's not perfect, I'm not a writer but I quite liked it. Don't forget to tell me what you think! Love you guys!

You've never battled like this. Well for starters, you've been in wars, yes, but not in _battles_ , per se. In the middle of people killing each others. In Mount Weathers, you almost were. First line. But things didn't go as planned. You killed a man, sure, you killed hundreds. You know what it's like to plunge a knife in a man's throat. You know what it's like to take the decision to make a bridge explode, to pull a lever, or to burn people you didn't met before in a giant fire, ending countless lives that will forever tear at your heart. But this? This is new, and scary. The sound of bullets tearing at skin, swords splitting the air. The smell of burnt flesh that you know too well, running for your life at the same time as risking it to take those of others. Tripping over dead bodies.

The smoke that clouds your vision, the burning red glow that's reflecting on everybody's skin. The uncertainty of life, of being, of existence. Everything is in slow motion. The way you see your mother pass you by, giving grounders weapons that they don't know nor are willing to use. Kane, shooting relentlessly. You think you see Lincoln in there, attacking someone from behind. They freed him, good. But then you see Jasper, falling on the ground, hit right between his eyes. You want to scream, _stop_. You want to tell them, no more blood. Stop the bloodshed. One more of your friend has fallen, you want to tell everybody. Let's just stop for a minute and ponder on this. Is any more death necessary? Is any more life worth taking?

But there is no time, you don't have a minute. You want to end this and to do that you have to find Pike. One last look at Lexa, just dodging a bullet and disappearing behind a tree and you go. You'll find her. She'll be there when you do. She'll be alive and well. It takes you a minute to find him, his back turned on you, shooting a grounder that was already down. But he feels you and turns around. You recognize him from the Ark. Instantly you raise your gun.

"It's over Pike. Most of your men have fallen. Too many have died. Let's stop this once and for all. Surrender."

"Over my dead body." His gun raise and you know you need to do this. You don't want to but if he doesn't surrender, it only means it's your life against his. You barely hear Lexa calling your name before you press the trigger of your gun. You have to kill him. However, the faint click resonnates louder than if your gun had worked. You don't have the time to realize that your don't have any bullets left when your body is being pushed to the side, and you hear two gunshot.

You don't feel pain, that's weird because you could have sworn one of the shot was from Pike, but then, you see Lexa, smiling in front of you, blood coming out of her body. A scream escape your throat but you don't remember ordering your brain to do it. You see Pike fall, and Kane, weapon raised, approching you, but you keep screaming, as Lexa falls to her knees.

"Lexa!"

Your mom is besides you in seconds, you can't see anything with all the tears in your eyes, you don't even know where she was shot. You run to Pike, who's still moving. The bullet hit him in the throat and bloop is spilling out of his mouth.

"You fucking son of a bitch"You kneel over him and start hitting him, you can't believe he killed the love of your life. "Die, you fucking coward, die!" Tears are mixing with his blood and you're being pulled from him has he gives his last breath. It's Kane, you're in his arms in seconds. You keep screaming.

"She's going to be fine, it's over, Clarke. It's done. He's dead." You come to, more aware of your surrounding, and Lexa is still kneeling, you see her moving. How can she move if she's dead? But then, you see your mom kneeling beside her, and she's speaking.

"The bullet hit your shoulder, through and through, can you move your fingers? Good. You're going to be fine, but we need to close the wound quickly."

You see her eyes then, she searches for you. She's here. Your laugh makes a funny sound from your throat and you take the two strides that separates you and launch yourself on the ground, wasting no time to put your arms around her. If you hurt her, she doesn't show it, and return the hug as fiercely despite the wound.

"I'm here, Clarke. I'm not leaving you."

You forget about Kane, your mother, and all the others that are gathering around you, searching for survivors in the dissipating smoke. You just pull back and kiss her, hard. Relieved, alive, grateful. Everyone is silent. Maybe it's because you're kissing the Commander in front of the Skaikru but it's not like you can help yourself.

When you pull back, it's Raven that breaks the silence first.

"Damn, I've been shot too and nobody is kissing me like that."

Nobody dares laugh, but you. You get up, taking Lexa with you and take in your surrounding for the first time. So many fallen bodies. You see Raven, holding her arms. One look at her and she dismisses the concern. It's just a graze, she shows you. She's got worse. Later, you think, you'll have to thank her. You're not sure what for but she sure deserves it.

When you walk back to camp, you pass Jasper's body. You all stop, not that far is Izel's. You want to cry again, and actually, you might have never stopped.

"Sinclair didn't make it either." Kane tells, looking at the ground. He'll be sharing your guilt. Maybe his will be greater for this war. And you guess that you all have crosses to bear. But then, you know that you all bear the same one, and in this world, all mistakes, bad decisions and situations just all come together. They all mix so that you can all share the same burden. Kane failed at protecting his people, letting them fall into the wrong hand. You failed them, Lexa failed them.

You promise yourself to come back later, take his body to the dropship. You'll burry him there, he would've liked it. But right now, people need assistance. There are wounded that need immediate attention and you're grateful that Arkadia is not far off the camp. They're all taken to the hospital, where Kane's people are still waiting. Beds are being brought, medicine is distributed, and you help your mother with stitches, pulling out arrows, stopping bleedings and when it's Lexa's turn, at the very last moment, because "our people need you more than me, right now, Clarke", you're gentle, and your mother helps you clean the wound.

Those with the worst conditions are kept in the hospital wing, those who can be discharged are, and soon, you find yourself pulling Lexa on the bed of your mother's room. She needs rest. Her arm is held by a piece of cloth. It's the left one. She's barely holding up, the medication she's taken making her wobbly and weak. She's sitting while you remove her clothes. Her boots first, then her jeans. You find some shorts that belonged to you before you left, and you smile because your mother had kept it. You put it on her. You want to change her top but you're scared to hurt her and she looks so small and tired. Once you've tucked her in, you sit at the end of the bed, and watch her.

"I have something for you, Clarke." Her eyes are closed and her voice is strained with sleep that is coming.

"Yeah, what is it?" You ask, smiling. You're so tired, but you're scared of closing your eyes. You're scared of what you're going to see once they're closed.

"Pocket of my pants." She says, smiling like a little girl. You get up and goes to retrieve it. It's a letter. Your heart thump. When you turn back, she's already sleeping, deep.

You go back to sit next to her on the bed. Unfolding the letter and grabbing her hand, you realize how long the letter actually is. Your heart start to beat louder and louder, pouding against your chest. You start to read.

" _Clarke,_

_Love is a funny thing. All my young life, and long before I was chosen to be Commander, I was taught that love was weakness. To be Commander is to be alone, was Titus' favorite thing to say to me during our lessons. You cannot allow your heart to make the decisions. You must think with strategy, without biased by emotions. How do you do that when it goes against your nature? I couldn't help falling in love with Costia. She was so beautiful, and kind, and tender. She was my best friend. Soon she became my lover. We loved each others so much. But then there was the Conclave, and I was chosen to be Commander, triumphing by death over the other Nightbloods._

_I received good training, it's true. I was strong and fierce and fast. But, ultimately, when I think back to it, I realize that it wasn't my abilities that made me win the fight against seven others. I was so scared to leave Costia behind, I had to survive. I had to go back to her, because I couldn't bear the look in her eyes before I went into the battle. So I fought, hard, driven with this desperate need to go take her in my arms again. And I did it. I became Commander. We were discreete because people didn't approve. Well, Titus didn't approve. But war was threatening once again, the Ice Nation was troubling the coalition that was a small one at the time. One night, I waited for Costia until the early hours of the morning, because she used to sneak into my room. But she never came, and all that I found was her head on my bed._

_There is no words to describe the kind of feeling that went through my body. Azgeda had taken my love. Used it against me. And I understood what "Love is weakness" meant. I closed up my heart, and started leading fiercely, never allowing my emotions to leave the confines of the walls I had put around me. I formed the coalition, including Azgeda, because it was necessary. It was the first time I didn't honoured Jus drein Jus daun. And it was painful. I avenged the death of countless of strangers. My people, yes, that as you said, I feel for. Why couldn't I avenge the death of my beloved? But I understood. The fate of the Commander is greater and you must look beyond your own pain. Still, it was a pain I never ceased feeling inside, until I launched that spear inside Nia's guts._

_But when you came along, it all came crashing down around me. I remembered what it felt like to fall in love again, and you would remind me every chance you got._

_The first time I fell in love with you, was when you challenged my decisions, and downright came asking for things. Like I wasn't the almighty Commander. You didn't seem impressed. Frightened. You stood your ground. And it hadn't happened to me in a long time. People are afraid of me, or when they defy me, it's because they despise me, and want to see me dead. Not you though. You considered yourself my equal. A leader to another leader and it felt good. Because suddenly I wasn't alone._

_The second time, you killed your first love. I felt immense guilt but I had no choice. And you accepted it. You knew. You came begging but you already knew it was over, and you didn't hesitate to carry the guilt, and his blood on your hands so you could spare him the pain. You didn't hesitate to sacrifice your pain over his. That was the strongest I had seen you._

_But you kept on surprising me. I was helpless, descending in the depth of love. You kept banging on my walls and they weren't putting that much of a fight. You saved my life from the Pauna. You could have left me to die. But you didn't._

_There were several times after that, where I all I could do was stand back helplessly while you stole my resolve. You, sparing the lives of my people, trying to see the good everywhere. Calling me out on my mistakes. Provocating me, not accepting my decisions._

_But then, I had to leave you. I was scared I would never see you again. It was painful, because once again, I had to choose duty over love, when really, I wanted to choose you. I had faith though. I knew you could come through. I knew you were powerful and strong enough. You made a name for yourself and I only loved you more but I was hopeless._

_When I saw what I had made of you, I couldn't bear it. It broke you. It was my fault that you were bitter, and hurt and hateful. I took it. When you pressed your knife against my throat, I loved you all over again. I was yours to kill and I would have let you do it a thousand times because I deserved a thousand deaths for the pain I had caused you._ "

You stop reading for a moment. You're overwhelmed. And crying. You're inside her head, now. She's letting you see all. She's telling you all. She's giving herself fully and without barrier. It's powerful and painful at the same time.

" _Kneeling before you and swearing fealty was more than an apology. It was a promise of faithfulness, and a proof of my love. I did it willingly and you deserved that I show you once and for all where my true allegiances lied._

_It was the quiet and the domesticness of the moments we shared after that, that filled my heart with hope. When you kissed me on ascension day, I thought I might die. Could it be that I was forgiven? Was it something I thought I was worthy of? Could I have possibly redeemed myself for the unceremoniously abandoning you? Will I ever be redeemed? In your eyes maybe, but never in mine. And I will forever be the carrier of the guilt of having created a scar in your heart. It has my name on it._

_You gave me a chance nonetheless, you opened the door, and I could never deny you. I was eager to love you. I would have loved you all my life even if you didn't love me back. I could have lived with you hating me, and I would only have loved you for it. I denied myself of feeling for so long, and I am not willing to do that anymore._

_So, maybe now, we don't have to take impossible decisions apart that hurt each others, but rather, take them together for the greater good, rule over our people as they come as one. Maybe today is someday. Maybe what we owe to our people, is not to be miserable apart, but to be united and lead them to a better future._

_Wait for me, my love, for I am coming for you. I cannot stand to be apart from you for another day._

_Yours eternally._

_Leksa."_

You feel lightheaded. You feel spent, tired, relieved. But mostly, you feel happy. It finally feels like this is coming to an end. Like another chapter of your life can begin, and you get to go into it holding Lexa's hand.

Somewhere between lines, you found yourself lying down, your head on Lexa's stomach, and sleep comes far too easily, because now you know you will only dream of green eyes surrounded by war paint and shy smiles.

When you wake up again, it's the sound of the door that wakes you. Someone is there, but you feel too tired to move from Lexa, who is now lightly brushing her fingers in your hair. It would feel perfect if it wasn't for the heavy losses of war.

She's awake too, but you feel far too numb to move. Breathing still deep, eyes still closed, you don't let it show that you're not sleeping anymore. Because someone else is in the room with you, and you know it must be your mom, because who else? But you don't know how to face her, not when she's seen you sleeping on top of the half naked Commander. She's covered, but still.

"Did you want to rest, Abby?"

"No, don't worry, I have to go back to the hospital, I just wanted to check on her.. On both of you."

"She's sleeping, has been for a while. I let her rest. She needs it."

"What about you, how's your shoulder?"

"I've had worse. The medicine helps greatly, thank you."

"You're very welcome, Commander." The conversation pauses for a moment before you hear Lexa talk softly.

"Please, call me Lexa. There is no need for formalities here."

She doesn't respond but she's your mother, you can practically hear the smile she's giving Lexa. No one speaks for a moment, and you think that Abby will just go back. Instead you hear her take a seat on the chair at the foot of the bed, and put a hand on your ankle.

"I hope-"

"You seem-"

They both start. You want to laugh, but you don't have enough energy for that.

"I'm sorry, go first." It's your mom. There's a pause, a hesitation.

"I hope you won't see any objections to my newly found relationship with Clarke, and I also hope you can find it you to trust me with your daughter's life again." Your heart triples volume at this. You want to kiss this woman until she can't breathe.

"You saved her life and took a bullet for her, Lexa, I think we've covered the trusting-you-to-protect-her part."

"Still, I would like for you to give us your blessing." Can she be anymore perfect?

"I thought there was no need for formalities here?"

"It's not formality, it's respect."

"Clarke will not wait for my blessing, in fact I don't think she cares much about it." Oh if only she knew.

"But I do." Your mother sigh at this. There's seconds that pass. You feel Lexa's heart beats faster.. Is she afraid of what my mother will say?

"You know, I've done some terrible things in the past and I'm not the one she needs blessing from. Her father is. I have too much to be forgiven for."

"Clarke is big on forgiveness, that much I've learned."

"That she is, but I'm not when it comes to myself."

"Yes, I know the feeling."

"How come we are the two people she loves the most and we're the ones that made her suffer the greatest?" You want to tell her so much you love her, and all that is in the past can stay there forever, you just need your mother, but the words die in your throat. You just finally open your eyes, and she's the first thing you see. She doesn't react, just keep looking at you with sorrow. You're facing away from Lexa so she doesn't see that you're awake. You don't want to tell her yet.

Tears are falling down your face and you try to say with them all you can't say out loud, praying that your mother understand the extend of your love for her and Lexa. You wonder when you are going to stop crying so much.

"That is a question I have yet to answer. Unfortunately I fear that I never will." You mom looks up at Lexa now. "What did you want to say earlier?" Back to you, eyes softer than ever.

"You seem to care about her, a lot."

"I love her more than my own life."

"Yes, I know the feeling." She mimicks, and smile. Enough seems to be said. "I'll leave you to rest a bit more. Tell her that we took care of the bodies. Marcus is taking them to the dropship now. Those of the grounders too. Indra suggested that we burn them in tradition with Pike's body but the decision is yours to take."

"Yes, let's to that tonight. Thank you, Abby, you didn't have to do all this."

"Yes I did, your people are our own. And you're family now." She gets up, and start to put on her jacket.

"Does that mean I have your blessing regardless?" You hear the smile on her lips. It's soft, so her. No more than a light twitch of her lips at one corner, you're sure. Your mother laugh at that, and looks at you.

"Yes, it does, Lexa." You mouth a _Thank you,_ to clearly show that it is as important as the one dad would have given you.

"Thank you, Abby." After that she's gone. You wait a few minutes before lifting your head and look at her.

"Oh, you're awake." She says, with a small smile, nervous and shy. Why, don't you live for the days where you make the Commander look bashful.

"Yes, in fact I have been for quite a while." You smile back. You go to kiss her, marveling at the fact that you can. Without restraint, without fear. Nothing more is hovering over your heads. Her lips feel like a hundred painkiller for heartaches.

"Intruding on other's people conversations is rude, Clarke." The tone is a bit playful though, so you play along.

"Well, I heard some very interesting things so I say it was very much worth it." She _laughs_ , then. A carefree, liberating laugh that sounds like music to your ears. You file it in your memory. "I didn't think Heda had it in her to beg for my mother's blessing." You tease some more.

"Love, in a room with only your mother and us, I am not Heda. I am Lexa, who is asking without pretention the permission to love her daughter with all my might."

"Well, you don't need her blessing to love me like that."

"No I don't, but now I can do it with peace of mind." You kiss her again. You kiss her hard and soft at the same time. It feels surreal, and good, and pure. You think about the fact that you'll be able to do it as many times as you like from now on. It makes you giddy.

"You should probably rest some more, I'm going to go with Kane to say goodbye."

"Would like me to come with?"

"No it's okay, I need to go on my own. You just stay here and rest."

"But I don't want you to leave my side.." Damn, woman. Between smiling and crying that much, one would think you have bipolarity problems.

"I'll only be a couple hours. I'll come back to you." You say kissing her, while getting up from the bed. "I'll always come back to you."

"I hope so." Pulling your boots, you kiss her one last time, and go out the door before you can decide to climb back in bed with that goddess of a woman.

You hurry to the gates of Arkadia where a car is preparing to leave. Running up to it, you see Kane.

"I want to come with you."He only smiles at you, and open the back doors, where a makeshift box is carrying Jasper's body. Sitting behind the wheel is Raven. Kane takes the seat next to her, and in the back, next to the box, is Octavia.

"Another car is following with Miller, Monty and Bellamy." She smiles. You climb in, and the car starts. It's an hour trip. Your silent for the first minutes.

"What will happen to Bellamy, now that it's over?" You ask in the silence.

"Like the others that took part in the slaughter of the grounder army, he'll go through trial. But he might be shown mercy due to the fact that he rallied forces with us in the last battle. He might still face emprisonement though." Kane respond. You feel the pain in his words. You understand. He too has to face the consequences of his act, after all, he did start all of this.

"How are you holding up?" You ask Octavia.

"He's my brother, and I'll love him forever. I'll forgive him eventually, I think. But I don't think I can trust him again."

"Yeah, I get it."

A heavy silence falls upon all of you. You're halfway to the dropship by now.

"So Clarke, you're banging the Commander, huh?"

Your eyes go wide and you choke a little, while Octavia roars with laughter.

"Never thought someone could tear down these walls." She adds with a dry tone.

"Well, they were pretty easy to get around, so." You reply, and the banter distract you from the box with your dead friend in it.

"Oh really? And what's she like when she's not Heda?"

"Wouldn't be fun if I told you, would it?" You say smiling.

"Oh come on. Is she a top or a bottom? My guess is.. Shit, I can't actually guess, you'll have to help me out here Griffin."

"I'm not talking about this anymore." This conversation is not appropriate with Kane in the very same area.

"I bet that's because you don't want to say you're a pillow queen." You're mortified that they would say things like this in front of Marcus Kane, who you suspected greatly of having an secret affair with your mother.

"Guys, stop it."

"Yes, girls, that's quite enough." Thank god for this man.

"Fine, _Dad_."

"You can tease her later, when I'm not here to witness it."

"I'm sorry?!" But you laugh along with them because when was the last time you actually felt like you could joke around with friends? It felt right and necessary. "We are not talking about Lexa anymore."

When the laughing subsides, though, you realize that you're already there. Silence gains you once more, and others than small words, nothing is said and you all start digging. You try not to look at Wells' grave. Once the hole is big enough, the boys grab the coffin and lower it carefully, and everyone puts the dirt back on top of it. Each one of you except Kane keeps some of it in one of your hand.

And when, one by one, you let the dirt fall on top of the mount, you hear Kane speak.

"In peace, may you live the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again."

"May we meet again." Everyone repeats after that. And its so solemn, and official. You kneel down, touch softly the ground beneath which he is lying, and whispers apologies. _I'm_ s _orry I failed you_. The comforting hand of Kane do little to soothe the ache in your throat.

It is too painful to stay here, so people quickly gather back to the cars. You stay a little bit though, standing on your feet again, and watching over Wells' grave.

"I miss you" You say to the emptiness.

"It'll get better." It's Raven. She stands next to you, supportive. Grieving just the same.

"How's your arm?"

"Oh you know, nothing compared to having a bullet in your spine." You smile sadly.

"I know you don't approve of Lexa." Well, that's that.

"I have no business telling you who you can be with, Clarke."

"No, but it doesn't change the fact that you don't like her." She frowns then. A look away.

"Look, I don't carry her in my heart that's true. But she's proven herself. I don't think I trust her, but I see that you look happy. And you more than anyone deserve it."

"What about you? You deserve it too, maybe more than me." And she does, so much. What she didn't deserve was all she had to go through.

"I'll get there. Plus, now that we're really joining the coalition, I guess I can meet someone who could make me forget." She smiles.

"Forget about what? Finn?" Saying his name makes you cringe. Her too.

"Pain."

"We got our share of that, didn't we?"

"But we made it." She hugs then. You missed her. "We did. Thank you." You whisper in her hear and stay that way for a while.

"Girls, time to go!" Kane calls after you. And you pull back.

"Come on, let's go. Besides, I don't want the mighty Heda to cut off my head because I touched you for too long."

This makes you laugh. Hard. You're still laughing on the way back, a tear slipping at the corner of your eyes when you look back through the window at the dropship, the graves, the memories of your friends that died because you failed to protect them.

No one talks on the ride back. Minds are busy and tired, and Octavia's head on your shoulder is the only thing that is reminding you of where you are for you're so deep in thoughts you might have forgotten otherwise.

When you arrive at Arkadia, you see Lexa, dressed, busying herself with organizing what was retrieved from the ashes of the blockade.

"Aren't you supposed to be in bed resting?" She turns around and smiles, seeing you. God, she's so beautiful.

"My help is required here, Clarke, I will not lie around in bed all day. Besides, it is not that bad." She tells you while you walk to her. "And, look what I found." She pulls a small metallic box, and when it opens, there's two letters inside of it. They're untouched. "Fortunately, the fire did little damage to your tent, and we've actually been able to retrieve quite a lot. It wasn't as bad as we anticipated. I'm glad these survived though."

"I am too." You smile. "I forgot to tell you, I rather enjoyed that last one though. I've got to say, it topped all the others."

There's that bashful look again. It does funny things to your body.

"What did I do to deserve this? I don't know how to thank you." You say, clearly adding some innuendos.

"Well, I've got a few ideas. Maybe I'll tell you about them in another letter." Lexa's flirting was on point, that much was certain.

"I'm impatient, now, how long will I have to wait?" You say, coming a little bit closer. People are starting to look at you weirdly. She grabs your arm and leaned in to whisper in your hear while keeping your bodies apart.

"I guess that depends on you, now, doesn't it?" And with that, she's turning around and walking away, a straight and serious face. Jesus christ. If things didn't need to be done, you would have pulled her in a corner right now.

Unfortunately, things do need to be done, and before long, the ceremony in memory of the fallen grounders begins. You stand in the front with Lexa, much like the first time you attended such a thing. Only this time, you hold her hand discreetly. And, later tonight, when Abby leaves you her room to go sleep in Kane's, there is no energy left for anything more than sleeping. You hold her, she holds you, and if sleeping with her feels this right, you can't wait to spend the rest of your nights like this. Lazily kissing each others into slumber, waking up pressed hard against her back, laying gentle kisses on her injured shoulder, and the back of her neck.

The next day, three cars are ready to take you back to Polis, with several horses. Abby and Kane are coming too, since the ceremony for the Arkers to join back the coalition has to be held again. Octavia and Lincoln will stay in Arkadia for a while, but you have no doubt that you'll see them more often than not. You hug Raven hard, and squeeze her extra hard when she whispers "Don't be a stranger, Griffin." in your hear. You don't say goodbye to Bellamy, you can't. You're not ready to face him yet, and he understands. He watches you go from the distance, probably enjoying the last of his freedom before a long time. You hug everyone, Monty, Miller, Harper, and many more. You'll come back soon, you promise. At least once a week. Raven will come and get you with the car. It'll be much faster.

Once on the way, you spend the whole trip watching Lexa, throwing her gentle looks, sometimes filled with heat, sometimes with love, sometimes both. And, she tries to keep her composure in the crowded car.

At one point, you lean in her ear and whisper "You know what I can't wait for?" When she shakes her head you continue. "For you to put on that nightgown again, with the slit on the side? You know, the one you wore when you came to my room at night." You see her swallow. Man, she's far too easy, and you're enjoying the hell out of it. "It's a shame we didn't get to put it to good use the first time. Not that I didn't want to.."

She clears her throat and tries to shimmy away from you, much to her dismay: there wasn't a lot of room. "You think I didn't know you put it just for me? God, I was ready to tear it off of you." She chokes then, and you pulls back.

"Oh, are you okay Commander? Do you need some water? I hope you didn't catch something." You say, totally sounding really concerned.

You reach for the water cantine in your package and hands it to her. When she's done drinking, she looks at you, flushed, eyes black that look like they can't decide if they want to be threatening or aroused.

"No, I'm okay. Wrong pipe, I suppose."

You laugh internally, oh you are going to have so much fun. "Alright, then."

You tease her for the rest of the trip, purposefully taking your jacket off while exposing your cleavage, brushing it accidentally against her. Breathing a little too hard, licking your lips a little too long. Throwing your head back, and touching the muscles of your shoulders. When she exits the vehicule, she looks about ready to explode. Jaw set, the veins in her neck about to pop, eyes wide, flushed cheeks. You're quite proud of herself, that promise for good times later.

The ceremony is held right away, taking just the time to change outfit and call upon the learders of the other clans. It goes uneventful, and when it's over, the sun is starting to set. You go to change separately, before saying goodnight to your mom and Kane. Once you feel like you have nothing left to do, you rejoin Lexa in the meeting room. Two guards are there, but they pay you no mind. She's on the balcony, looking over the sunset. She's in the same outfit she was when you said goodbye no later than three days ago, her hair unbraided, much like last time.

"It's over, isn't it? Is this the part when I say that today is someday?" You ask softly, enjoying the _peace_ and quiet.

"What do you want moving forward?" Of course she asks what you want, and because that's who she is, putting your wants and needs before her own.

"You. I want you." A laugh, magnificent and magic.

"I am already yours."

"Then I want peace."

"I believe we achieved that as well."

"Then there is nothing more I want right now."

You look at each other, and the realization only adds more to her beauty.

"Could you look anymore beautiful? My heart can't take it." She looks straight ahead.

"Don't pretend your heart is the only part of your body that can't handle it, Clarke."

Your mouth drop open, and there's a devilish smirk on her lips. It's payback time, it seems.

"Did you-Did.. Hum."

"Are you alright, love? You usually know how to use your words so well." Pointed look. This smirk. This smirk. Oh god.

"Speaking of words, it reminds me that I have something for you."

Your close your mouth, lick your lips, and you feel yourself heat up. She is playing you so well, you love it. You take numbly the folded paper that she hands you. Oh but she's far from done.

"Well, it's a bit cold out here. I'm going to bed. I'll wait for you in _our_ bedroom. I may or may not be wearing my nightgown when you come back. Don't be too long."

And with that, she turns and leave.

"Come with me," she says to the two guards. "Let's give Wanheda a moment, she's looks like she needs it."

You're speechless. And aroused. And torn. Do you read the letter first or do you follow her and take her against a wall right away? But you think with a light heart that you have _all night_ , and there is no rush anymore.

So you take a sit on her throne -it's not like anyone can see you, you can enjoy it a bit, right?- and start to read.

" _Love_ ,

_I can't wait to touch again. It feels like it's been far too long when it has only been merely hours. But your body is intoxicating. I yearn to feel your skin against mine, slowly glowing. I can't wait to undress you, revealing each part of your body I want to touch. I want to feel you against my fingers again, soaked and ready for me. Waiting. Desperate. I want to indulge you. Touch you slowly, so very slowly. Make you desperate with want, for more. With the need of feeling me harder. I'll be so gentle, but so accurate, it'll drive you crazy. I want you to scream, beg, when I won't even be inside you yet. I want you to ask for it. To ask for more. Your legs squeezing me in a failed attempt to get me closer. Because I'll already be so close, yet so far. I want your hands tied. I want you to be helpless. Always begging me. And when I'll finally enter you, reveling in the feeling of being inside of you once again, you'll start asking for more yet again. Until I can't take it anymore and start to fuck you like you deserve. I want to give it all, because you teasing me makes me desperate for your body. It makes me desperate for your moans, for the feeling of your legs around my head, squeezing so deliciously, while I taste you. I'm desperate for the feelings of your thighs clenching together, your mouth opened so I can slip my tongue inside. I am desperate for you. So hurry, love, come join me for tonight is the first of many where I get to explore your body without any restraint._

_I can't wait to love on you._

_I can't wait to make you mine and become yours forever._

_Leksa."_

Holy Commander, you're out of the throne and down the corridor in less time it takes to say "Fuck". If you knew Lexa had such skills in English language, you'd have started to write sooner. You wonder while you walk – fast, may you add- what kind of book she reads on her down time to know that much of dirty talking. You decide that you won't complain about it. She did promise you a dirty letter, and it's time to thank her properly. Yes, you think, while you close the door of the bedroom -and lock it- seeing her sitting on the couch, waiting for you in her nightgown, you really couldn't want anything more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the end is an open one, so maybe in a few years if I feel some Clexa nostalgia I can come back and give it a sequel. Thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think ? Let me know, I might post chapt 2 soon! And I love you all.


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